What's wrong (and right) with "The Phantom Menace"

But enough wallowing in small stuff. Let's get down to the Grand Champion clichi of all:

• "Gee whillikers, R2, the folks out there sure are in a pickle. What's that, girl? Solve the whole plot by diving my tiny ship into the center of a big bad-ass one, and set off a chain reaction to blow it up from the inside while we run away real fast? What an idea! Gee, I'll bet THAT'S never been done before!"

Note that the only "Star Wars" movie without this dreadfully clichid trick is "The Empire Strikes Back," again showing how that movie towers over the others. Actually, I guess "Phantom Menace" is logically the first time the stunt gets used, since it's the "earliest" of the movies, so let's be forgiving. But then, if Anakin did this as a boy, don't you figure he'd remember the nasty little design flaw, 40 years later, when he helps Tarkin and the Emperor build the Death Star? (This may be Clue No. 1 to a great underlying plot secret, one potentially capable of transforming the whole series! A fantastic surprise that'd actually make sense of the whole saga! Care to guess?)

Originalities

I confess there was one really original thing in "The Phantom Menace," something I have truly never seen before. I could not believe my eyes when I read the yellow prologue letters flowing across the screen at the very beginning of the film: A sci-fi action movie whose premise is based on taxation of trade routes and negotiations over tariff treaties? Now that ... (yawn) ... is something ... I've ... never ... (snore) ...

Self-indulgences

It happens time and again. You create a beloved universe -- then spend most of the sequels wallowing in emotional reunions, or worse, spend most of the prequel introducing characters to each other, dwelling on each moment for long stretches laden with emotional music. R2, meet Threepio! (For the very first time!) Obi-Wan, meet Anakin! Anakin grew up with Greedo! Naturally, there are cameos by Tuskan Raiders and Jabba the Hut and every other old friend, for nostalgia's sake. Anyone notice the delegation of Spielberg's "ET" aliens in the Senate chamber, uncharacteristically willing to associate with humans for a change?

And there's more! Anyone notice the names of the other candidates for Chancellor? Minister Antilles of Alderan? Maybe the dad of Captain Antilles, the first dude Vader crushes to death in the first movie? Cousin of Luke's wingman, Wedge Antilles? Could it be a coincidence? Destiny? (Or maybe Clue No. 2?)

Again, to be fair, the nostalgia thing has been done even worse by others. Remember "Star Trek, The Motion Picture"? Wasted half an hour worshipping the Enterprise from the outside before we even got aboard. Get on with it!

Illogicalities

• "We won't train young Skywalker 'cause he might turn dangerous." So instead of assigning the most experienced teachers to keep an eye on him, and train him to be a good guy, you'd just toss him and his mega-force talent out on the street? Or else, under duress, you'll finally agree to let a recent novice (Obi-Wan) deal naively with the menace on his own? Great idea! Of course this terrible decision leads to catastrophe, so it's all Yoda's fault from the very beginning. (Or is it another clue?)

  According to Stefan Jones, "In the first film, the Force was a kind of martial art/Zen archery kind of thing. Rather egalitarian: Obi-Wan even offers to teach scoffer Han Solo the ropes. Goofy comic-book mysticism, but kind of charming and innocent in a Hong Kong kung-fu movie sort of way."

  But as the \bermensch effect took over, the Force grew elitist. You had to be born with it! In a progressive universe, Yoda & Co. would set up Jedi-arts studios in every mini-mall on Coruscant -- the way karate has saturated suburban America -- giving millions of kids exposure to a little discipline and fun, plus a chance to better themselves through hard work, and maybe outperform what cynical grownups expected of them. But Yoda thinks he can diagnose at age 6 who's got it, who hasn't, and who is pre-destined to fail before they try. Only demigods need apply ... and only those demigods Yoda likes. (Maybe this really is Clue No. 3?)

• Too bad we had to leave the Virgin Mary -- I mean Mom -- on Tatooine (presumably to give birth to Uncle Owen). But once the queen and Obi-Wan get away to Coruscant, can't they access their Galactic Express accounts and buy mom's freedom out of petty cash? I guess they forgot. Some heroes.

• We Jedi protect the innocent! So let's take a 6-year-old along on a raid into the enemy's heavily defended HQ! (Then tell him to hide in a fighter cockpit "for safety.")

• Vader grew up on Tatooine, yet he finds the place unremarkable 40 years later in "A New Hope." In the same film he senses nothing unusual about C-3PO, his beloved first-born droid. (Or his own daughter, for that matter!) In any event, this coincidence makes Tatooine the last place anyone would hide Vader's newborn son -- Luke -- 20 years hence!

Naturally, this hustling of babies will wind up being the major subplot of Episode III -- which ought to be a real bummer of a movie: Coruscant and a zillion other planets are gonna have to fry as the emperor takes over, since that would only happen over the dead bodies of every decent citizen with any spirit. What a lovely way to finish the saga! But we'll still cheer as Obi-Wan manages to grab the twins, Luke and Leia, saving them from Dad's evil clutches as billions perish behind them. Hurrah!

Next Page: More cheats, unexplained plot drivers and pseudoscience gimmicks

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