CBS's "Ghost Whisperer" (Fridays at 8 p.m.) has the dubious distinction of starring Jennifer Love Hewitt, armed with dialogue and scenarios so neutered it immediately calls to mind "Touched By an Angel." Our heroine isn't really an expert, she just sees dead people (everywhere). In fact, we get the feeling that she just wants to get on with her day, which mostly seems to entail making kissy-poo with her brand new husband and trying on various outfits that accentuate her, um, assets. Not only is this one of the more melodramatic, sappy, empty pilots on the slate, but the ghosts she encounters are hopelessly sweet and sentimental. It's enough to make you run, screaming, back to "Supernatural's" terrified boy-toys. And how are we supposed to focus on the plot when Jennifer Love's Hewitts are busting out of her wedding dress? How can we possibly fear the teary-eyed ghost soldier when there's just a thin nightie between us and Jennifer Love's (sleeping) Hewitts? You might as well throw a little yellow puppet singing show tunes into every scene.

ABC's "The Night Stalker" (no premiere date yet) aims for creepier supernatural elements, but the story is weak and, based on their performances, the cast knows it. Our tale begins as a straightforward procedural drama featuring your standard hero-expert (in this case, a journalist) with a tragic past, then shifts halfway through to reveal that the criminal he's hunting is not a man, but some kind of a beast that's "not of this world" (see also "sort of like a cougar, but worse"). The twist isn't all that scary, and basically falls flat, maybe because the cougar-beast seems to kill only women, preferably when they're alone at home or naked in the shower. For all the predictable suspense-building manipulations, "The Night Stalker" will leave you with a funny taste in your mouth, as if you stayed up too late watching a "Baywatch Nights" marathon.

Not surprisingly, NBC's "Surface" (Monday, Sept. 19, at 8 p.m.), a drama about the appearance of massive sea monsters off the Gulf Coast, doesn't exactly capture the modern imagination quite the way ghosts, aliens or terrorists might. The writers do the best they can cooking up spooky "Jaws"-like scenarios, from kids in wobbly row boats blinking out at dark waters to hero-experts diving deep below the sea for a claustrophobic close-up with some massive, wriggling Loch Ness-style bad boys. But when your best scene involves an aquarium shattering while a high-maintenance suburban mom screams neurotically about the mess, you know you're in deeper than a primordial ocean beast.

The two shows that tackle terrorism directly are also two of the better dramas in the lineup: Showtime's "Sleeper Cell" (which, unfortunately, doesn't premiere until December) and NBC's "E-Ring" (premieres Wednesday, Sept. 21, at 9 p.m.). Produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and starring Benjamin Bratt and Dennis Hopper, "E-Ring" explores the inner workings of the Pentagon, echoing the military suspense thrillers of the late '80s and early '90s, like "Top Gun" or "The Hunt for Red October." Bratt is perfect as our fearless and charming hero-expert, the sort that speaks up when the high rollers of the military would have him shut up. Hopper is also great as his boss, a guy who, although he's more entrenched in the culture, still plays loud rock music in his office. You get the picture -- these guys are the rock stars of the Pentagon, and they're going to kick ass and take names for the sake of the red, white and blue. Yeehaw! [Cue anthem rock.] We don't really learn anything new about the military or its operations, of course, but with the slick scenes and snappy one-liners coming in rapid succession, who really cares?

Where "E-Ring" speeds along, flashing a rapid succession of shiny, easy-to-digest (if not easy to believe) scenes in our faces, "Sleeper Cell" explores a more personal, messier, and more devastating universe, featuring the experiences of an undercover FBI agent attempting to infiltrate the ranks of a truly frightening group of domestic terrorists hell-bent on killing in the name of jihad. Michael Ealy is transfixing in his turn as Darwyn, a young black Muslim whose dedication to the cause of preventing another 9/11 has essentially taken over his entire life. While Bratt and Hopper discuss military operations thousands of miles away, the stakes couldn't be higher for Darwyn, who puts his neck on the line for the sake of his cause. It's tough to tell how nuanced any of the characters in "Sleeper Cell" will be, based on the pilot, but the inner struggle Darwyn must endure to maintain his cover is riveting enough to hold our attention indefinitely. Add to that the intensity of the material, including one brutal scene in which the leader of the cell suspects that one of the members is a traitor, and you've got a drama that's well worth waiting for.

The upcoming slew of procedural dramas features criminals so demonic that our public servants are forced to work overtime, studying bones and fingerprints while strummy alternative rock plays in the background. If only we didn't have to return to the same old "Silence of the Lambs" plot over and over again. Whether it's the tarantula-wielding creep or the serial kidnapper fond of small cages, the crazies never seem to come in more than a few flavors these days. Of the current lot, Fox's "Bones" (premieres Tuesday, Sept. 13, at 8 p.m.), although slightly heavy on the dippy montages, is the most original and odd, while CBS's "Close to Home" (Tuesdays at 10 p.m.) is distractingly melodramatic, CBS's "Criminal Minds," although capably written, feels like a retread from start to finish, and Fox's "Killer Instinct" is clumsy, poorly written and mired in cliché.

When it comes to criminals, Fox's "Prison Break" (Mondays at 9 p.m.) presents a much more entertaining and unusual scenario than the procedural dramas with their endlessly rotating haunted cops and bad guys. Sure, all the scary criminals are locked up in jail, but our hero-expert Michael Scofield (Wentworth Miller, who also plays a dead soldier in the "Ghost Whisperer" pilot) plans to change all of that. Scofield purposefully commits a crime so he'll end up in prison with his brother, who's sentenced to die in a few months for a crime he didn't commit. While brother Lincoln (Dominic Purcell) doesn't seem to have many redeeming qualities aside from his square jaw and frank demeanor, our hero has a degree in structural engineering and has just had the blueprints to the prison tattooed on his body -- you know, artistically, so no one can tell what they are, and so he'll still look hot. Miller does look mighty hot, and he has an almost uncanny knack for making his eyes fill with tears on command. This comes in handy when you're playing a sensitive idealist who's about to commit a major crime to save his brother's hide. But the best thing about "Prison Break" is that we've never seen anything like it before. Sure, the sadistic and quirky criminals are more than a little familiar, but the plot is completely new.

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