The everyone knows molested children are sweet and polite and will only eat nutritious foods defense
Jackson's attorneys called upon former chef's assistant Angel Vivancio, who alleged that Jackson's chief accuser, while hanging out at Neverland, had demanded imperiously: "Give me the fucking Cheetos."

The most honest man in court
Dwayne Swingler, who was head supervisor of Neverland Ranch, is shopping around his book proposal for "Entering Neverland: Secrets Behind the Gate," according to E!. "I wanted to cash in like everyone else was," he said during the trial. He worked at Jackson's ranch for roughly six weeks in 2003.

The ladies' man defense
Neverland Ranch manager Joe Marcus, put on the stand and asked to name women Michael Jackson was close to, struggled to think of anyone besides Elizabeth Taylor.

"I'm drawing a blank on a few of the names ... There's other women ..." he said.

Upon cross-examination, he thought of a second one: "Liza Minnelli has been there [to Neverland] and they seem to be good friends."

"So we're up to two," the prosecutor said. "Any others?"

There weren't, but Marcus was able to name several boys.

Degrading moment for all involved
'N Sync choreographer Wade Robson, 22, who'd stayed at Jackson's house as a boy, was asked by both sides in the case to assess the thrust of the singer's porn collection, from "Double-Dicking Caroline" and "Stiff Dick for Lynn" to "Boys Will Be Boys" and "A Sexual Study of Man." Referring to the latter book, prosecutor Ronald Zonen asked Robson to "Just take a second to strum through the balance of the book."

Dumbest Jackson joke
From Jay Leno: "Michael Jackson showed up to court late today wearing his pajama bottoms. You know what? You find the kid wearing the pajama top and we have another court case on our hands."

As Judge Rodney Melville told the Washington Post: "I would not have expected [Leno] to not continue telling jokes ... I'd like him to make good jokes." Leno had to use stand-in comedians to tell jokes on the "Tonight Show," because as a potential witness, he was under a gag order. (Leno later testified that he had received a voice-mail message from the alleged victim and that he thought he sounded "a little scripted.")

Best Jackson joke
"Jay Leno has been subpoenaed as a witness in the Michael Jackson trial, so Leno may be banned from doing Michael Jackson jokes. As a result, Jay Leno has been put on suicide watch."

-- Conan O'Brien on "Late Night," as reported by Entertainment Weekly

The child molestation is a god-given right defense (which never happened, except in Cal Thomas' dark, damp fantasies)!
"If Michael Jackson did, in fact, as it is alleged, have sex with a minor boy, what's wrong with that? The question is not meant to be cute; I am serious. If a male child was fondled or sodomized by Michael Jackson, why shouldn't he and the boy be allowed the orientation of their choice? If you disagree, who are you to impose your morality on them? ... Yesterday's unacceptable mores (divorce, premarital sex, abortion, homosexuality, group sex, domestic partnerships and, soon, same-sex marriage) are today's acceptable. It's just a matter of conditioning. Groups exist that promote adult-child sex. Expect an alliance -- composed of academics, theologians and cultural commentators -- to ram this home through the media, crushing whatever resistance remains ... For some, Michael Jackson is not a pervert but a pioneer."

-- Cal Thomas' syndicated column, November 25, 2003

Macauley's not working much either, friend, but that didn't turn him into a media-desperate rat fink
"I started looking at each piece of information," child star/Jackson "friend" Corey Feldman told ABC's "20/20." "And with that came this sickening realization that there have been many occurrences in my life and in my relationship to Michael that have created a question of doubt."

After the appearance, Feldman was subpoenaed, but never appeared in court. Maybe prosecutors found him an unreliable witness, considering his November 2003 appearance on "Larry King Live," in which Feldman insisted that "I have to be completely honest, because I couldn't do it any other way ... I've never seen him act in any inappropriate way to a child," including him. A decade earlier, he was an outspoken defender of Jackson.

Jackson wanted to kill Social Security reform!
Always on the lookout for a fresh, google-eyed media conspiracy theory, Fox News' Neil Cavuto decided that the media's obsession with Michael Jackson was taking too much attention away from George W. Bush -- attention that would've convinced the American public to support the president's plan to privatize social security:

Neil Cavuto: "I know this is a little outlandish, Mr. President ..."

Bush: "No, that's all right, Neil."

Cavuto: "Do you think that the focus on Michael Jackson has hurt you?"

Bush: "I have no idea. I'm not -- I don't spend a lot of time trying to figure out, you know, the viewing patterns of American TV audiences.

-- Fox News, June 8, 2005

Breaking through the media filter
Cavuto later took credit as the sole voice letting Bush in on the curse holding back his coast-to-coast Social Security roadshow. "He's had a tough sell. I tried to relate that the intense coverage of the Michael Jackson trial was being a bit of a distraction for him."

-- "Your World With Neil Cavuto," Fox News, June 8, 2005

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