Following that atrocity of God, Matthew McConaughey, a man once arrested in my home city of Austin, Texas, for streaking, shows up and makes a convincing case for how Southern rock is still alive and well and also rockin'. As an avatar of this truth, Gretchen Wilson and Lynrd Skynrd appear and sing "Freebird." In their hands, rock's biggest clichi sounds like "I Will Always Love You." Now, I'm not a Southerner by birth, nor was I born to be a rocker. But I know quite a few Southern rockers down here who would take exception at such a flimsy portrayal of down-home virtues. What a goddamn embarrassment.

Keith Urban and Elvin Bishop follow with an acceptable version of "I Fooled Around and Fell in Love," but the mood has already been ruined. Dickie Betts, whose name was, I shamefully admit, new to me, performs "Ramblin' Man." Tim McGraw shows up for duet purposes, and, as always, ruins the song. He was no more born in the back seat of a Greyhound bus than I was born in a rice paddy.

Then Skynrd -- Skynrd, Whoooooooo! --returns for a version of "Sweet Home Alabama" that legitimately rocks but is marred by McGraw and by Gretchen Wilson, who sounds like Britney Spears singing with Aerosmith at the Super Bowl.

8:16 p.m.
Queen Latifah gets to sing, an honor usually reserved among award-show hosts for Billy Crystal. But instead of going, Rwanda! How I love ya, how I love ya, my dear Rwanda! as Crystal would do but Chris Rock probably won't, the Queen fills out a black dress, wears a string of pearls just right, and sings a pretty damn convincing medley of '40s jazz diva tunes. You know, just when you think someone totally sucks, she goes ahead and does something like this. She deserves a Grammy merely for making people think of Dinah Washington at all.

Tyra Banks and Hoobastank follow, offering a lifetime Grammy to the late conductor Morton Gould, an act so deeply ironic that it defies further comment. Maroon 5 then beat Kanye West for best new artist, who hugs the band very sincerely, and Maroon 5 practically offer the award to him. Kanye West is smooth. The lead singer of Maroon 5 says, "These guys are my best friends, and this is the trippiest thing I've ever gone through in my life."

8:30 p.m.
Quentin Tarantino says that Green Day has released a concept album with a unique concept: "All the songs are good." Call me naive, but I can't even begin to say how much I admire these guys. Not every band that works hard gets successful for the right reasons, but it's nice to see it happen at least once.

8:35 p.m.
I notice that Crucial, from Alicia Keys' band, is wearing a really stylish brown fedora-like hat. Oh, please, make it acceptable for white people to dress like that again! If there are a million universes, perhaps in one of them, I am Alicia Keys' kept potentate. A boy can dream.

8:43 p.m.
The Staples Singers win a lifetime Grammy, and then Mavis Staples actually gets to come out and sing. Meanwhile, Pinetop Perkins and Jerry Lee Lewis are shooting heroin in the bathroom of the nominees' lounge, wondering where it all went wrong. Suddenly, things take a turn for the iconographic.

A preacher rails against sin in front of a sizable congregation of middle-aged black people, who are backed by a church set with authentically beautiful mocked-up stained-glass windows. Kanye West runs down the aisle, doing "Jesus Walks." He dances himself into a passion play with Mavis Staples. A curtain drops. Kanye dances in silhouette with increasing drama, until we see a video image of a dove flying away into an exploding sunset. The curtain rises, and the Blind Boys Of Alabama are in the church, singing over a coffin. Kanye returns, wearing an all-white suit. He then rises above the crowd wearing angel's wings. I guess it's too much to ask that one of these things totally transcend ego. West's acceptance speech follows form, ending with him holding up his award and saying, "Everybody wanted to know what I'd do if I didn't win. I guess we'll never know."

The Grammys are really entertaining this year.

9:00 p.m.
Kris Kristofferson, who got a lifetime achievement nod himself at the Country Music Association Awards, presents a lifetime achievement award to Janis Joplin. Are you meaning to tell me that Janis Joplin doesn't have a lifetime Grammy yet? Austin is insulted, sirs! And we're further insulted that Joss Stone gets to perform the tribute. Nice dress, 6-foot Joss, but Janis never wore that much makeup on every day of her life combined! Actually, I have no idea how much makeup Janis Joplin wore. But the tribute was still a little off.

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