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Saturday, Jul 11, 2009
Yes, we had to endure J.Lo and Tim McGraw. But the Grammys offered one of the most entertaining musical events in TV history.
Feb 14, 2005 | Last night, I began my annual forced viewing of the Grammy telecast with a thesis: that the past year was one of those rare blips in musical time where what's popular and what's good actually intersect. Just before the telecast, I looked at the nominee list to see if this would actually bear out. Kanye West, check. Green Day, check. Franz Ferdinand, check. Modest Mouse, Loretta Lynn and Jack White, Alicia Keys, check, check, check.
As always, the Grammy selection committee tortured us with some duds. Hoobastank? Melissa Etheridge, no, Tim McGraw, no as always, y pienso que Los Lonely Boys son overrated. And then there were the usual safe nominations for dead guys. It doesn't exactly take a lot of guts to toss a Grammy to Ray Charles or Johnny Cash now. Plus, shouldn't a song be exempted from Grammy consideration after it's been used as a theme for the NBA Playoffs? I'm looking at you, Black Eyed Peas.
But a closer examination of the list dampened my raging cynicism. Tom Waits, Jill Scott, the Scissor Sisters? Got a Grammy nomination? But I saw the Scissor Sisters live two years ago! I'd never seen a live band before they received a Grammy nomination. Who cares whether I liked them or not? My thesis was holding water! I had no idea, though, that I was about to watch one of the most entertaining musical events in television history.
What you're about to read was written in real time, edited slightly for coherence, and partially drained of hipster pretension. No TiVo was deployed in compiling this report. All times are Central Standard. It's 6:55 p.m. Let's get it started in here!
7:00 p.m.
Queen Latifah appears and informs us that there are four stages and five bands, and this is just the opening number. Why look! It's the Black Eyed Peas, singing the LeBron James highlight-film theme song. Is this our new national anthem? Before I can get a chance to write down another basketball joke, there's Gwen Stefani, wearing what remains of Kevin Kline's outfit from "The Pirates Of Penzance." Goddamn, that woman's got gams! She's accompanied by Eve, who looks like Whitney Houston version 2.0. Hot Asian girls, also kind of dressed like pirates, surround them. Why am I not TiVoing this? Oh, that's right. I don't have TiVo. But if I did, this segment would scream late-night freeze-frame!
Band No. 4 is the mysterious Maroon 5 with that song I hear all the time at the gym. Catchy! The lead singer looks like Keanu Reeves and the keyboardist looks like a PIRG canvasser. They won't be around next year. Uh-oh. The Black Eyed Peas are singing and Maroon 5 is playing, followed by Franz Ferdinand, a better band. Suddenly everyone is singing and playing at the same. Despite what the New York Times said this morning, it's not a mash-up. It's more like the finale of "Les Miz," with guitars and break dancing.
Ellen DeGeneres seems to like it, because she dances to her own tune. Still, if this is the sound of today, then my thesis is holding. Also, the lead singer of Black Eyed Peas will be making a special appearance this Friday on "Joan of Arcadia," playing a substitute gym coach who teaches Joan the importance of running a decent song into the ground.
7:15 p.m.
Queen Latifah informs us that tonight is the 50th birthday of rock 'n' roll, but then proceeds to not elaborate. I think she was trying to toss props to Little Richard, an act of amateur ethnomusicography that probably raised Greil Marcus' hackles. She also makes a saucy joke about how she went to Bono's dressing room and says that Bono is looking "adorable." The thought of Queen Latifah in Bono's dressing room makes me feel empty inside.
