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Tuesday, Nov 10, 2009
Armed with a sharp, snide wit and perky boobs, today's hormonal hipsters rule the small screen and their parents.
Nov 6, 2004 | Once upon a time, there weren't really any teenagers on TV. People of the pre-adult persuasion were forced to go see "Sixteen Candles" and "The Breakfast Club" and even "Porky's" in the theater to get a look at their peers. Where else could you see the mixed-up, hormonally crippled shenanigans of teendom, without the delicious angst of John Cusack in "Say Anything" or Patrick Dempsey in "Can't Buy Me Love"? Unless you were perversely excited by the G-rated foibles of Vicky on "The Love Boat" or those perky sisters on "Eight Is Enough" -- you know, the ones played by actresses in their mid-30s who looked nothing like each other, but still squealed and giggled about boys like the first-rate prudes in a Beverly Cleary novel? -- you had to drive to the movies to see a halfway reasonable reflection of teen life.
That all changed around 1996, when the fast-talking, know-it-all teens of "Scream" hit theaters with a vengeance, and suddenly everyone wanted movies and TV shows populated by sophisticated, witty teenagers -- ones with perky boobs, of course. First came "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," then "Dawson's Creek" (from Kevin Williamson, who penned "Scream"), followed by an unruly gaggle of shows, peaking this year with a massive glut of teen dramas, including "Gilmore Girls," "Smallville," "The OC," "One Tree Hill," "life as we know it," "Jack & Bobby," "Joan of Arcadia," "Veronica Mars," "Everwood" and "Tru Calling." What's most remarkable, though, is how far the characters on today's shows have evolved from the giggling innocents of the '80s.
Wide-eyed looks and double takes have been replaced by snickering, sideways glances, snide asides, and over-it eye rolls. Instead of encountering brand-new situations with innocence and naiveté, TV teens make out with their teachers, swill vodka from flasks, and run to the corner store for ribbed condoms. Instead of slogging through the confusing mire of soupy emotions, repression and the little betrayals of high school, these teens trade rapid-clip witty banter, drop the names of the coolest alternative bands, and float through school like it's just a pretty backdrop for their highly evolved psychosocial dramas. Instead of stuttering nervously, then running home to fill their diaries with earnest entries about their deepest, darkest secrets and wildest dreams, these kids rail off their issues with lighthearted aplomb, then pull on strapless, bias-cut silk cocktail dresses and race off in their convertibles, off to another night of the kind of sophisticated socializing that used to exist -- still fictionally, of course -- only among Harvard faculty and clever Manhattan elites.
Naturally, today's TV teens see right through their parents. In fact, parents on teen shows tend to pick up where the "Eight Is Enough" girls left off, with lots of wide-eyed staring and confusion, a complete inability to communicate, and a very high chance of wandering astray, either by threatening someone, hiding the truth, cheating on their spouses, or just by giving really, really bad advice. Far from the saucer-eyed simpletons of yesteryear following Daddy Stubing around the big boat or begging Mr. Drummond for a chance to stay up past their bedtimes, today's TV teens are the rulers of their universes. They move freely through the world, throwing elaborate parties and getting their nails done and moving to another state on a whim. It's their parents who mess up, mostly by failing to trust the sage young demigods in their midst.
Take Ben on "life as we know it," who's having an affair with his teacher, Ms. Young. Naturally, Ben is utterly blameless, acting on teenage animal instinct, boisterously and boldly stating his desires, while his teacher is the confused, overwhelmed one.
Ben: I wanna kiss you so bad right now!
Ms. Young: So badly.
Ben: Maybe we could go to your place after school and I could show you how badly.
Ms. Young: I can't. I think I have a meeting.
Ben: Ditch your stupid meeting!
Ms. Young: I'll let you know.
Ben: (to camera) I have lived my entire life to get to this day, to have this exact feeling. God, I love school!
Yes, you heard right. Ben just instructed his very attractive young teacher to ditch her stupid meeting. That kind of talk, which would win you a smackdown with a 12-inch wooden ruler back in the day, is apparently the bread and butter of today's Über Teen.
