TK: He's done drag, yes, rather famously in his film "Hedwig and the Angry Inch," but he isn't a drag queen, per se, he's...

LB: I never heard of you either, for that matter. I have heard of Patricia Clarkson, I thought she was very, very moving and good in that movie "Pieces of April." I identified with that woman she played, I thought it was good and she was really good, and I have to say I'm surprised at her, taking part in something like this. And that other woman, the tall blonde, she was in "Third Rock From the Sun," wasn't she? My husband loved that show. I didn't care for it, I'm not a big one for television, but she's a funny and talented actress, and I understand she's doing Shakespeare right now, one of my favorite plays, "Much Ado About Nothing." So again, I'm surprised. That she would sink so far.

TK: I've read you like Shakespeare.

LB: "He that hath a beard is more than a youth, and he that hath no beard is less than a man: and he that is more than a youth is not for me, and he that is less than a man, I am not for him: therefore, I will even take sixpence in earnest of the bear-ward, and lead his apes into hell."

TK: "Well, then, go you into hell?"

[Kristen Johnston enters.]

KRISTEN JOHNSTON: "No, but to the gate; and there will the devil meet me, like an old cuckold, with horns on his head, and say, 'Get you to heaven, Beatrice, get you to heaven; here's no place for you maids': so deliver I up my apes, and away to Saint Peter for the heavens; he shows me where the bachelors sit, and there live we as merry as the day is long."

[She exits. Laura Bush applauds.]

LB: There, wasn't that lovely? Why couldn't you have done a fundraiser with scenes from Shakespeare? Class up your act?

TK: I read that you and Dana Gioia, the chairman of the NEA, are working on a plan to send Shakespeare troupes...

LB: To schools and communities all across America. That's right.

TK: Assuming you have the money to pay for it. What about NEA grants for American artists?

LB: There will be some, though I think we're going to focus on encouraging traditional crafts. Do you quilt?

TK: No. Nothing for playwrights?

LB: What, so you can write more stuff like this? We're still waiting for you to tell what your point was.

TK: Well, I guess... The play's not finished.

LB: It's not?? Well my goodness! You must finish it, sugar, hang on a second and we'll fix you right up with a big NEA grant!

TK: You don't have to be so hostile.

LB: Oh right. You make rude remarks about my private intimate life with my husband and...

TK: He makes rude remarks about your...

LB: And I'm not even an elected official. You want to pick on someone, go after him.

TK: My point was sort of that...

LB: He does not make rude...

TK: He did! A bunch of reporters asked him what he'd given you for your anniversary and he winked at them!

LB: Oh, that's just his way!

TK: And you made up a poem you said he'd written about you in which he calls you "lump-in-the-bed" ... you made a point of telling people that even though you had lied about who had written the poem:

[Kristen Johnston enters again.]

KJ:
"Roses are red
Violets are blue
Lump-in-the-bed,
how I miss you."

LB: I think that's sort of...

TK: You made a point of saying that he actually does call you "lump-in-the-bed," which is, well, I mean maybe more than we want to know about...

LB: See now, there's nothing sexual about that -- it's absolutely not a sexual...

TK: So I guess my point is...

LB: You're sort of a weird combination of filthy-minded and Victorian, aren't you, not to mention...

TK: So I guess my point is...

LB: Yes?

TK: That we're all like you. That we're all being fucked by your husband.

LB: I'm leaving.

TK: No, no please, I...

LB: No, I am leaving, Whoopi Goldberg, and you can eat my dust!

But before I go I have something I want to say to you. First off, art has nothing to do with politics and if you had any real understanding, or, or anything to offer other than shallowness and silliness and bathroom humor, you would set your sights on plumbing the mysteries of, of human nature and the human condition, like Dostoevsky did or Chekov or...

TK: I love Dostoevsky! You and I have that in common, we both love...

LB: Yeah, all you liberals love to read Dostoevsky cause it turns you on 'cause you just can't believe how much fun it is to read someone who's that mean and that smart! It's such a gol-durned relief not to have to be so smilin' and happy and nice nice nice about people all the time. You just can't believe it! Whew! Someone who tells it like it is! People can be HORRIBLE! You liberals all love you some Dostoevsky! Oh and by the way, I am not in the least confused by his point, by Dostoevsky's point -- he isn't confusing. You make it sound like he is and like I am, but he knows what he's doing. He's sharp as it gets and not in the least confusing and muddleheaded, unlike some I could mention.

TK: I just don't think you can say he isn't political.

LB: Oh you'd definitely say Dostoevsky's political, though I think you wouldn't even want to know who he'd vote for! If he'd vote at all, because his vision and his art transcend politics, he attains spiritual realms undreamt of by you political squabbly type guys, and, and it's, I mean what would Chekov think? Using the stage, the theater, ART! for, for tawdry propagandizing? You oughta be ashamed of yourself.

TK: I always am.

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