Bachelor No. 4, also known as "Bachelor Bob," was supposed to be the bachelor to end all bachelors. Smart, charming and full of well-nigh hilarious jokes, Bachelor Bob seemed destined to finally be a man-boy worth fighting for. Still, even during his initial stint competing for baby-voiced Trista Rehn on "The Bachelorette," Bob didn't have much personality, beyond a few self-deprecating asides and a couple of hammy pranks. Of course, compared to the dry wheat toast pretty boys he was up against, Bob looked like a cross between Jon Stewart and Viggo Mortensen. But once Bachelor B had his very own show, he followed in Alex's self-conscious footsteps, performing the obligatory "It hurts me so much to kiss the girls and make them cry" act while keeping his real desires a secret.

While weakly attempting to conceal the outcome is part of the program on "The Bachelor," Jesse Palmer seemed to find his final decision just as arbitrary as the viewers at home did, taking this fine tradition of gun-shy, weak-kneed Bachelors to new heights. But that's to be expected, since Jesse has offered little new territory for "Bachelor" fans from the start, beyond the jaw-dropping eeriness of telling every single woman that they look great in the same exact tone of voice, then kissing every woman in the same creepily matter-of-fact way, mumbling as he leans in for some tongue-play.

But then, can we really blame him? After all, quarterbacks are trained to run the same patterns over and over again, and when you have a lot of success with one set play, it probably feels pretty risky to mix things up. Plus, given his lack of spontaneity and difficulty conjuring up the liquid intelligence required to think on his feet or interact with different women in different ways, it makes sense that Jesse would rely on his parents and peers to make his big decision for him.

But with Mom and Dad in disagreement and Nick and Jenny sending mixed messages, how would Jesse ever choose? Well, why not do what so many men have done before when they couldn't decide between two women, and take both women shopping for engagement rings?

That's how we found ourselves squirming through identical scenes of giddiness and glee, as both button-nosed blondes giggled and gushed about what a big moment it was for them and then -- big surprise -- chose the exact same ring.

Jesse responded to his ambivalence -- how else? -- by playing his part so well that words like "commitment" and "big decision" and "the rest of my life" became placeholders for real expressions of fondness. So we spent a good hour hearing Jesse pound home how significant and life-altering each moment with each woman was without actually hinting at what, specifically, he liked about either woman or really any of the factors that might go into his decision. Most of all, he seemed to want to know that neither woman would turn him down if he proposed.

Likewise, from the empty scenes we were treated to, Tara and Jessica didn't seem all that curious about Jesse's personality beyond the camera or what life as a third-string quarterback's wife might look like (third-string if he makes the team, that is -- the Giants just traded for No. 1 draft pick Eli Manning, Peyton Manning's little brother). No discussion of this arose at all, even when Jesse warned Jessica that, as his wife, she'd be in the stands while thousands of people were booing him.

"The point of a relationship isn't to be there only through the good times," she says, and any minute we expect the camera to pan over to a Dr. Phil-penned teleprompter.

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