Site Presented By
Thursday, Nov 26, 2009
Join us, as we pick up a "Long Staff of Impairing," dodge "dire badgers" and make friends with Omnoselaakk during our return visit to the world of Dungeons & Dragons.
May 20, 2004 | CHAMPIONS OF NORRATH: REALMS OF EVERQUEST (Sony)
Tom: Our first foray into the world of video game D&D-style role-playing. Ominously, the instruction booklet for "Champions of Norrath" is about as thick as a Chuck Palahniuk novel.
Jeff: Only better written.
Tom: Jeff, I honestly don't know if I'm up for this. It's been a long time. I associate D&D with too many unpleasant things: acne, chronic masturbation, Renaissance fairs, the lute. You know I once had a woman almost not sleep with me because I admitted I dabbled some in Dungeons & Dragons when I was a kid?
Jeff: I can think of much better reasons not to sleep with you than that. You should calm down. Role-playing is not evil devil-worship. It's a small, pleasant escape nook for social rejects and the overly imaginative the world over. And really, who are we to judge?
Tom: You've reformed quite well, you know. I've always admired that.
Jeff: What do you mean?
Tom: I mean I can barely tell you're a recovering role-player. The only thing that gave it away was how your eyes sparkled when I suggested we review "Champions of Norrath."
Jeff: They didn't ... sparkle.
Tom: A little. They did a little bit.
Jeff: We've taken two hours to read the instruction booklet and here we go: The difficulty levels you can select from are Adventurous, Courageous and Champion.
Tom: I'm definitely feeling only Adventurous. Hey. You know what I always like about Dungeons & Dragons?
Jeff: What's that?
Tom: The complicated gradations of good and evil. You could make your character good, neutral or evil, but then you could shade it with "chaotic good" or "neutral evil" or "lawful evil."
Jeff: If only our leaders recognized such careful gradations. The Axis of Chaotic Evil is a much better way of looking at things.
Tom: Bin Laden is very much a chaotic evil figure. Lots of charisma points, though.
Jeff: How about Donald Rumsfeld?
Tom: I'm going to say lawful evil. How about John Kerry?
Jeff: Neutral good.
Tom: Ralph Nader?
Jeff: Definitely chaotic good. The bastard.
Tom: What's the plot of "Champions of Norrath"?
Jeff: I quote from the instruction booklet: "Kelethin, the treetop city of the Faydwer wood elves, is under siege! ... Your auspicious arrival in Kelethin during its darkest hour gives the wood king elf himself, Liethkorias, the glimmer of hope he's been seeking." We're fighting orcs and picking up treasure, in other words.
Tom: OK. I have to say here that the needle of my inner seventh-grader's gay-o-meter just went crazy.
