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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
6:44 p.m. John Nichols interviews Justin Timberlake and the lead singer of Coldplay at the same time. Neither of them is particularly annoying. "It's an ass-kissing contest!" Nichols says.
7 p.m. Britney Spears opens the show on top of a wedding cake, wearing a bridal veil, and a dress like Madonna's from the 1984 awards while singing "Like a Virgin." Did you know that Britney does 500 sit-ups a day? Christina Aguilera emerges wearing an identical costume and sings even worse. Then, amazingly, Madonna rises from the top of the same cake. She's wearing a top hat and one of Liza Minnelli's outfits from "Cabaret." After much pose-striking, she begins to sing her unctuous radio hit "Hollywood." The camera shows Carson Kressley having too much fun. May I attempt a Carson-style line? "Madonna, honey, you look like Shania Twain meets Dorian Gray."
Britney and Christina and Madonna -- 20 years of slutty pop iconography! -- dance together somewhat suggestively and sludge through "Hollywood," which ends with a complaint about how the radio plays all the same songs all the time. I don't have to explain the hypocrisy. Missy Elliott busts out of a "Wedding Chapel" rapping that stupid "Work It" song. The four of them gallivant around for a while. Everyone else is going to make a big deal of the fact that Madonna tongue-kisses Christina and Britney, but to me it just reeks of desperation. Tatu is hotter, ladies.
Chris Rock appears and does a stand-up act that's funnier than anything I'm writing here. Then high-priced NBA chattel LeBron James comes out, shills for Sprite, and drools over Ashanti. They gave the best hip-hop video award to Elliott, in a true stunner.
7:29 p.m. Good Charlotte, you are so not punk rock! You think you're so hot with your red Mohawks and your backward baseball caps and your lame tattoos! But you suck, Good Charlotte! A real punk-rock band does not beat-box into the microphone! Oh, my, you destroyed your drum set and kicked over the amps! How dangerous! Like you had to pay for them.
"Good Charlotte," says Chris Rock. "More like a mediocre Green Day." Thank you, Chris Rock.
7:34 p.m. Beyoncé wins best R&B video for "Crazy in Love," which plays 75 times an hour on BET. I must admit that I think that "Crazy in Love" is one of the catchiest songs of all time. I can't say the same about the video, which, three-quarters of the way through, takes a ridiculous turn when a car explodes and Beyoncé starts strutting around Jay-Z in a fur coat. Just inexplicable. But then Beyoncé gets drenched under a waterfall for about 30 seconds, and all is well again.
7:52 p.m. Nelly comes out with some hip-hop fellow whose name I didn't catch. Nelly says that "every female should have an apple bottom. You know, a fine ass." If she can sing, Nelly says, "that's a plus." Christina Aguilera emerges from the floor as an anti-exemplar of Nelly's type, standing astride a jungle gym full of whirring fans. She proceeds to Perform As Cher, another notch in her Evolution As An Artist.
Next, Iggy Pop and Outkast, who in my dreams are so stoned they can barely function, read their stupid lines as they promote their upcoming albums. My god, I realize. This show is nothing more than an excuse for entertainers to promote their new products! Why, it's not crazy and spontaneous at all! My modest illusions are further shattered when Iggy, or, as he's known in my book, God, presents the MTV2 award, the only one of the night that vaguely celebrates musical talent. Fittingly, the award goes to AFI, the worst band nominated.
8:09 p.m. P. Diddy makes his Christ-like appearance wearing a "Remember Barry White" T-shirt, but rather than doing anything mockable, he pays tribute to Barry White, Gregory Hines and Jam Master Jay. Curse you, P. Diddy! The surviving members of Run DMC (did I just write that phrase?) award the best rap video to 50 Cent. In a classy, prescripted move, Eminem joins 50 Cent on stage. 50 Cent thanks the people from retail and radio and "everyone who purchased my CD."
8:23 p.m. Coldplay wins the best group video award over the White Stripes. When will the true genius of the White Stripes be recognized? Justin Timberlake -- the camera loves him -- stands alone and applauds Coldplay's very modest acceptance speech. Take a humility memo, Justin.
8:24 p.m. Eminem, on his third costume change that I can see, appears in a funny skit about violence with one of the puppets from Crank Yankers. Dude! Did you see Eminem beat up that puppet? That shit was crazy, dog! 50 Cent comes out and sings his enlightened hit about being a P-I-M-P.
Chris Rock says, "Today is the anniversary of Martin Luther King's 'I Have a Dream' speech. Isn't it wonderful that his dream came true?" Really, Chris Rock gives me all my best tag lines.
