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Wednesday, Nov 25, 2009
Two hours into the Video Music Awards -- watching Madonna tongue-kiss Britney, Christina ape Cher, Eminem beat up a puppet -- I entertain a dark thought: Could this all just be an excuse for entertainers to shill their products?
Aug 29, 2003 | Welcome, friends. For the next five hours, I'm going to be watching the 20th Annual MTV Video Music Awards so you don't have to. From the first screaming minute of the despicable red-carpet ceremony to the last moment of spontaneous yet somehow pre-scripted narcissistic pop-star mayhem, I'll be here, in front of the TV, brain leaking out of my ears. Don't expect any meaningful pronouncements about The Way We Live Now. Don't expect me to examine the shifting contours of celebrity worship. I'm just going to try to endure. And now we begin.
5:32 p.m. I'm informed that this is the longest red carpet in the history of the world, 336 feet. I try not to have grumpy thoughts about wasteful spending during a near-depression. This is made more difficult when Ashanti tells Soo-Jun Park and Kurt Loder that she's wearing $3 million earrings. Then one of the guys from Good Charlotte says he went to the ATM today and got out 40 bucks, which means a lot to him, because, you know, Good Charlotte's had a hard road. Another Good Charlotte guy tells the red-carpet interview guy that he loves his suit. It doesn't take much to poke holes into the punk-rock claims of Good Charlotte. Predictably, the five Queer Eyes for the Straight Guy show up. Carson Kressley hogs the camera, instructing the host how to button his jacket. Great. Six weeks ago, "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" was a delightful surprise. Now for the rest of our lives we'll be forced to endure Mr. Blackwell version 2.0.
5:46 p.m. The Olsen Twins are interviewed. They claim to have been offended by the pictures in their recent Rolling Stone cover story that declared them "America's Fantasy." Soo-Jun Park assures them that the pictures were beautiful.
Ashley says the VMAs are "very crazy but lots of fun."
Mary-Kate informs us that "anything can happen" at the VMAs.
5:59 p.m. Christina Aguilera has decided to go with a dress made entirely of pink feathers. She breathlessly informs us that big surprises are in store. The host says that MTV is pulling for her in every way. Another of the endless stream of red-carpet reporters speaks with the monstrous Nelly, who informs us that he's pimpin' a new energy drink, whose name I can't quite make out. "It keep me up all night," Nelly says. "I need it. I need it."
Mya, with whom I must admit I'm not familiar, says that her stylist e-mailed her pictures of her Dolce Gabbana dress while she was in Canada. "Thank god for my stylist," Mya says.
6:09 p.m. A taped feature appears to inform us that Eminem and 50 Cent are up against each other for four awards, and that this competition is going to be bigger than "Bush vs. Saddam."
"That's big, yo," the narrator says.
Carson Kressley, Kim Cattrall, Simon Cowell and a funny cartoon baby named Stewie handicap the race amusingly but also annoyingly. 50 Cent shows up live on the red carpet wearing the baddest-ass pinstriped silver suit I've ever seen. He's with Vivica A. Fox, and is definitely winning this game called life. "50 Cent, two years ago, you were recovering from nine bullet wounds, and now you're up for four awards," the host says. Oh. I feel so small and alone.
6:24 p.m. Beyoncé appears and is beautiful, laid-back and charming, in direct contrast to Pamela Anderson, who wears a tank top promoting the upcoming "Scary Movie 3." There's also Snoop Dogg, backed by his ridiculous consort, the king of Pimp Chic, Bishop Magic Juan. In another life, Bishop Magic Juan was an actual pimp in Chicago, as opposed to a wacky pimp-advice "character," and he hung out with actual murderers, as opposed to entertainers with a somewhat dangerous past. Black Eyed Peas perform. I've always liked Black Eyed Peas. Then again, I'm a white guy with a soft spot for message rap.
6:38 p.m. Apparently, Duran Duran is back, looking pretty good for a bunch of withered Eurofags. Their new album will be out next year sometime, delayed from this fall. I feel relieved. That's slightly less competition for the Neal Pollack Invasion's new album, "Never Mind the Pollacks," to be released Oct. 7 by the Telegraph Company. I'm really excited. It's great to be here at the 2004 VMAs. Last year at this time, I was covering the awards from home for Salon, but now I'm on the red carpet and it's so amazing! I really want to meet Mary J. Blige.
Sorry. Daydream.
