"The Bitch Is Back"

Craig Kilborn as TV producer Carlton "Casper" Fuller

Craig, you're proof that Oni is a genius. Of all her casting picks, you're the one that just blows us away: You are Carlton. Remember that thing you did with the leeches at the audition? Get this: Because that was so brilliant, we're bringing in a whole tank of them for night three. Like we said last time, we're concerned about your safety, not with your comfort.

Psych! Just kidding, man. We'll have a trailer and we'll do those leeches with CGI on the backend.

Here's your story. As a rising star correspondent on "Dateline," you made your name as the man who brought spiritualism into prime time. You staked your credibility on the Rev. Stan Lindsay, who was eventually convicted of several felonies for ripping off a factory owner. You're convinced that you nailed the story the first time around, and left the network instead of backing down. Now, you're the producer of "Ghostory," a struggling show on the Sci-Fi Network, and you're looking for the blockbuster that will get you a deal with Fox.

You hear Josh's claims while working on a story about a real-life haunted asylum and stow away in the get-away ambulance. Josh and Anne agree to take you along because your equipment beats their Hi-8.

Note: We love you just the way you are. Please make sure you avoid all contact with the natural world until we start filming. Yes, Craig, that means no spring break in Aspen.

George Clooney as Col. Tom Majors

Christ, George -- an uncredited role. We can't even believe it.

Tom Majors is the Flight for Life pilot who shuttles the disfigured Josh out of the woods at the opening. This will establish you as the guy who makes the save. The audience will just kind of see you and they'll be all like, "Is it him? Is it him?" You might want to start thinking one-liners now. You'll use it the first time in this scene, and again when you save the only remaining video camera.

You'll come back during the raging forest fire scene, and of course finish up with the Apache for the blow-out at the lair.

Your co-pilot will most likely be Angelina Jolie, or this hot Victoria's Secret model that we hear is looking for a break. (She's coming by our office for casting this weekend.) Get practicing with that trigger finger, if you know what we're saying.

P.S. Shirtless and ripped when you blast the Bitch? Like Sly in "Rambo," but edgier -- more Aughts than '80s. Hit the gym.

Stan Winston -- Creature F/X

Stan the Man! OK, the marketing dudes convinced us that the power-of-suggestion/no-budget crap that we pulled in "First Curse" ain't going to fly this time. The test group wants a witch. Dammit, Stan, you're going to give them a witch. We want the sickest shit you've done since the original Alien. You've seen the sketches and the Joel-Peter Witkin photographs. Give us that, plus "The Matrix," plus, I don't know, Hieronymus fucking Bosch in a K-hole.

We're thinking that the Bitch should be way hairy. As for the lair, think pods -- she's harvesting children! And what about an army of those stick figures? They contain the souls -- yada, yada, yada. Maybe it's doofy. We'll talk. We'd like to continue the handprint theme from the first project -- we've already got the teaser campaign mock-ups, and we're leaning toward handprints for the first wave, then stick figures for the release. Can we tweak them somehow? Hang scraps of flesh off them? Give them little weenies? (That's a joke.) Just start with miniatures -- we've got to show them to Mattel and Taco Bell in 60 days.

The Dust Brothers -- soundtrack

Right now we're thinking kind of like a techno-drum 'n' bass collage version of "Rock Me Amadeus." Not necessarily that song -- the Simpsons did it already. But that attitude.

Oni

Fab job so far. Where do we stand with Walken as Pastor Winthrop or Billy Bob Thornton as the guest on "Ghostory" in the hospital scene? We'd also like to get Bob Denver for the hunter bit; you know how much I've always wanted to work with him, and I swear -- Ed doesn't believe me -- that he'll look badass with a huge Grizzly Adams beard. Also, we're talking with the script consultants -- the situationists, rather -- on writing parts for Gena Rowlands and Ben Gazzara. We pull that Cassavetes shit off and the critics will, like, swallow.

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