Today is a sad, sad day for average joes everywhere -- or at least for average joes intent on dating hot blonde professional cheerleaders. Alas, Adam, the last only-OK-looking contender on NBC's alarmingly addictive reality TV show "Average Joe," was ultimately bested by bland pretty-boy Jason, whom Melana chose to jet off with on a get-to-know-you (all two inches thick of you) jaunt. Adam -- poor, sweet, earnest Adam, who at one point was so happy to be dancing with his pom-pom princess that he said he wanted to run out and "give charity" to those less fortunate than he (awwww!) -- turned out to be more popular than average, more romantic than average and way richer than average, but couldn't overcome his much bigger-than-average teeth, knack for burning the fluffy, pink stuffed animals and odd habit of jogging with a huge log across his shoulders to get his dream girl. (What was that?) I know, I know, you're heart's just a-breakin' for the 27-year-old millionaire, isn't it?

Gwyneth Paltrow: honest woman. A "source close to" Paltrow's baby daddy, Coldplay singer Chris Martin, has confirmed to Page Six that Paltrow and Martin tied the knot last Friday in a "very small, very private ceremony in a California hotel suite" and are now honeymooning in Cabo San Lucas. So very un-J.Lo of them.

And speaking of Paltrow's ex's current squeeze ... J.Lo and Ben Affleck may well be cooling down a bit. Affleck had been quoted in the London Sun thusly: "You'd be bored by my sex life now! It's like 10 minutes -- completely routine." (Page Six)

Money Quote
A weight-loss method that doesn't suck: Helena Bonham Carter on breast-feeding her baby son, Billy: "People are like, 'You're still breast-feeding, that's so generous.' Generous, no! It gives me boobs and it takes my thighs away! It's sort of like natural liposuction. I'd carry on breast-feeding for the rest of my life if I could." (Boldface Names)

Best of the Rest
Page Six: Kobe Bryant's attorneys file motion to ban hangman T-shirts from court; Paris Hilton said to have been offered $3 million to do another reality series for Fox; Denise Rich forced to take Amtrak to Philadelphia charity dinner during snowstorm; Pink and Tommy Lee said to have been spotted "simulating sex" in front of a urinal in men's room at N.Y. club; PETA appeals to Rush Limbaugh to take stance against testing addictive drugs on animals; Jennifer Lopez kisses and makes up with ex-manager Benny Medina; Britney Spears rep denies that she threw up at Hawaii hotspot, claims it was her "lookalike pal" who did the public hurling.

Lloyd Grove's Lowdown: The Hilton family celebrates daughter Paris' appearance on "Saturday Night Live," in which she bantered with Jimmy Fallon about her infamous sex video, a skit Paris' 14-year-old bro said was "really good!"; Page Six reporter Ian Spiegelman compares writing a gossip column to being in the Mafia; Donna Brazile cracks jokes about current batch of Democratic candidates; staunch vegan Moby doesn't make a peep when served meat-topped pizza at MoveOn.org party.

Rush and Molloy: Drudge report that Barbra Streisand "may be stripped" of her Grammy nomination due to missed deadline appears to be untrue; Ben Kingsley marries young wife, German model Alexandra Christmann, again in traditional Persian ceremony, despite fact that neither one of them is Persian; Renée Zellweger and rocker boyfriend Jack White said to have been spotted ring shopping; Howard Stern says his girlfriend's thinking of suing Don Imus for lampooning her on the air; NYC Mayor Bloomberg flirts with gay audience at Toys for Tots benefit; Jude Law and Sadie Frost to reconcile long enough to spend Christmas with their three kids; Justin Timberlake goes on $1.7 million, late-night shopping spree at Harrod's in London.

--Amy Reiter

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