New Hampshire Is for Lovers

It was happening almost once a day lately. While playing tennis, while bowling, while chewing gum, came the question: "Am I, J. Junior Inferior Jr., actually Jesus Christ?"

By Dave Eggers

Jul 15, 2004 | "I stand here before my country and before God," he began, pushing his notes aside. "And most of all, I stand here before Jesus Christ."

And at that moment 35 percent of the opinionated but nonvoting public sighed with relief, assuming that Junior had lost his grip, once and forever, on the boundaries of the presidency, the separation of logic and lunacy, of scripture and law. Presidents were allowed to invoke the name of God, for the Christian God could be reconciled with the Judaic God, and even had semantic kinship with the Muslim God and a handful of others. Saying "under God" or "thank God" or "God bless America" was expected and was seldom heard for what it was, which was the invocation of not quite a universal God, but more specifically a Protestant God. Still, everyone let it slide. Monotheism, they said, was monotheism. Let's not quibble over details.

But Jesus Christ was another matter entirely. The words "Jesus Christ" hadn't publicly left the lips of a president in decades. Thus when Junior uttered the name, a different 35 percent, this one active at the polls, took notice. They took notice in Birmingham, and in Baton Rouge, in Chattanooga and Gainesville and Lancaster.

"I stand here," he continued, "hoping that my Lord and savior, Jesus Christ, who is very large and powerful, will, first of all, deliver my dad from the tree out by the parking lot. And after he does this, I hope he'll go one more, and deliver our country, America -- the country founded in the Lord's name -- from the bad forces which threaten to do bad things to our people."

And with that, jaws dropped inside the auditorium, angry fists pounded the tables in the Muslim suburbs of Detroit, and beatific smiles spread across the faces of many in the aforementioned locales. But J. Junior Inferior Jr. wasn't finished.

"And because it's my dad out there, in the tree," and here he looked over at Alexander Hamilton, full of contempt, "I think it fair that I should be able to lead us in prayer. Please, my friends, won't you join me?"

He bowed his head. The members of the audience did, too, but most of them immediately lifted their eyes so as not to miss anything. Was this really happening? An opening statement had turned into a plea to Jesus Christ. Fantastic.

Junior himself thought it fantastic, too, though whenever he prayed to Jesus Christ, he felt a weird twinge of guilt, fearing, above all, hubris. When praising Jesus Christ he felt, oddly, as if he were patting himself on the back. Not because he was pious and fearful and deserving of rapture, but because there was a persistent voice in his brain telling him that he, J. Junior Inferior Jr., was Jesus Christ.

Next Page: There seemed to be so many similarities between him and Jesus. Both of them were white and were men, for starters

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