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Sunday, Nov 22, 2009
Dear Mr. Blue,
I am 25 years old, and I have only been really truly deeply in love twice in my life. The first time was three years ago with an instructor of mine in college. I was very happy and rearranged some of my life to accommodate him, and then found out that he had another girlfriend. He told me this as he was dumping me. I was heartbroken. I hurt in all kinds of new and unanticipated ways, for a very long time. Betrayal was nothing I ever expected.
I got on with my life, I dated some, I had some crushes, but nothing major. Then, a year or so ago, something major. I am in love again, crazily deeply head-over-heels. He makes me very happy. He is a sweet, wonderful, funny, brilliant man, and I adore him. It is a long-distance relationship, but we manage to see one another at least once a month. I am rearranging my life again. I want to be with this man for a very long time. But the thing that scares me is how, after True Love No. 1, I've become a frantically jealous harpy; I have anxiety attacks, and sleepless nights, and crying jags and tantrums, imagining the insidious presence of Other Women, whole harems of them. I see deception at every turn. I have become a paranoid nitwit, and I am making myself insufferable to this man I love and driving myself insane.
And I know this, rationally, but rational me can't seem to exorcise awful panicky me. This can't go on, I can't keep having sleepless worries and calling him up with peculiar probing questions. It has to stop. He makes me happy, and I want to just be happy and be with him, happily, the way I once used to be. Oh, Mr. Blue. How can I fix this? Help, help.
Green-Eyed Monster
Dear Green,
You were able to write this coherent letter about your situation and that's a good first step. A second step would be to visit your friendly neighborhood doctor and see if you can't get this anxiety and sleeplessness reduced. There are short-term palliative measures that simply would make life a little easier for you. There's a new generation of nonbarbiturate sleeping pills, for example, that is safer and won't make you dopey, and one shouldn't underestimate the benefits of sleep. You're not a nitwit, you're an intelligent young woman who is obsessively chewing on your foot, and you should look for a simple temporary solution until you can join Mr. Wonderful and live happily ever after.
Dear Mr. Blue,
A college friend of mine, recently married, told me that I seem "closed off" to having a relationship and maybe this is why I'm still single. I don't doubt her diagnosis, and I have been giving it a lot of thought. I'm a happily independent, kind-hearted, not-ugly, smart chick who has always believed that when it's meant to happen, it will, so major, Rules-like effort in this area is usually a waste of time and guaranteed to scare people.
My understanding is that men usually flip for happily independent babes. But now I'm wondering if I'm giving off some sort of secret standoffish vibe to potentially available men, and if I have met or will meet Mr. Wonderful, I won't know it because I'm so closed off (as my friend pointed out).
So my question: How do I unclose myself to the idea of a relationship without driving men away reeking of desperation?
Open for Business
Dear Open,
Romance happens between individuals and any generalizations about when it happens and to whom are strictly for amusement and not meant to be taken seriously. I can tell you that most men are incapable of close friendships with other men and are in search of women confidantes and when a man finds one, a woman he can talk easily to and who he trusts and who welcomes his affection, then that's the doorway to romance. But it's not particularly useful advice to a woman. (How does one go about being a confidante to a dullard or a bully?) You describe yourself as happily independent and that's all to the good, not because it makes you more attractive to men but simply because it's a good way to live. If this gives off some secret vibe to potential suitors, too bad for them: The vibe is in their minds, not yours. When you meet a man you consider wonderful, you'll know it, and you'll let him know that you know it, and until then, don't second-guess yourself.
