Site Presented By
Sunday, Nov 22, 2009
Dear Mr. Blue,
I am a single mother, 28, with two boys whose dad is a deadbeat. My job is stressing me out. I can barely pay for the basic necessities for my family. But I have this knack for rolling with the punches. I just take a deep breath and try to find humor in the situation and carry on.
My boyfriend for the past two and a half years is a good man. He has a good job. He's good with my boys, always helps out, buys groceries when I am low, mows my lawn -- the list goes on and on. We don't live together because we feel it would not be a good example for my boys. About 6 months ago, I brought up the subject of marriage. He says he doesn't know what he wants. His indecision revolves around the fact that my life is pretty chaotic and uncertain. Everything bad that happens to me, he broods on it for days or weeks while I suck it up and try to overcome my latest challenge. Now, we love each other very much, but this marriage issue has become a bone of contention between us. My way of thinking is that it's wrong to date a single mom for two and a half years, mow her lawn, get involved in her family life, implant yourself in her life as a necessity and then say, "I don't know if I want to marry you." He is a procrastinator in many aspects of his life, and I don't want to wait another five years or so while he decides what to do. I am considering breaking up with him now instead of waiting and hoping for him to come around. But I don't want to lose the man my boys and I love. Help!
Stumped Somewhere
Dear Stumped,
So don't lose him. You brought up the subject of marriage, you heard his uncertainties, now drop the subject for a while and let the idea of marriage bounce around in his mind. You can't expect this man to leap at the thought the moment you mention it. Let him ponder. Have a good summer. Bring up the subject again some lovely fall day and see if the gentleman's thinking has clarified. Or if yours has.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I'm 36 and married to a terrific guy. Just about all of our married friends have kids, and any contact we have with them is ruled by the children and their schedules. I don't understand why these people, who once had lots of different interests, are now so fixated on their children. They don't go to museums anymore or to the movies, they don't even read. Their lives are structured around their kids in a way that is almost terrifying. I don't remember our parents being like this. Have things really changed? It's making us rethink our wanting to have kids ourselves.
Perplexed
Dear Perplexed,
I agree with you. Soccer, for example, is pernicious, a game organized for the benefit of parents and hated by most of the boys and girls dragooned into playing it. And yet intelligent parents spend hours and hours watching this absurd and boring game. Why? Because our children are fascinating to us. It's the plain truth. So if you want to be friends with mommies and daddies, you'll have to be accommodating. Maybe you should offer to baby-sit for your friends and take the kiddoes around to museums and movies and let the parents stay home and have sex. You'd learn more about children and you'd endear yourselves to your friends in a big big way.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I had a friend years ago who brightened up my life. He was selfish and bossy and a little shallow, but he was a hell of a lot of fun to be with, and I have never laughed so much with anyone else.
Then another man entered my life, and my friend, although he was gay and had no romantic interest in me, seemed jealous and possessive. He took an instant dislike to my new boyfriend, who I was falling in love with, and the two of them got into a huge argument. We were all young and immature, and my friend departed in a huff, and we have never seen or spoken to each other since.
So here we are, eight years later. I married the boyfriend, and I love him dearly, and we are very happy. But I miss my old friend and the fun he brought to my life. Our class reunion is coming up, and he might be there. I'd like to say something to him, about how we were young and stupid, and that I'm sorry about how it all went.
But my sister ran into him a few years ago and reported that he still harbors a strong dislike for my husband. I feel uncomfortable about trying to renew a friendship with someone who can't appreciate the man I love more than anyone in the world. What should I do?
Torn
Dear Torn,
Don't make big overtures to the old friend. Be cool. Don't say you're sorry about the rift because it's likely to be misinterpreted as you accepting blame for it. And that would be disloyal to your husband. Don't imagine you can re-create a magic interlude of eight years ago. That's not available to you. You're very happy with your husband and that's good enough.
