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Sunday, Nov 22, 2009
Dear Mr. Blue,
My wife's brother and his wife have asked us if we will agree to be the guardian of their two boys if the unthinkable happens. The boys are both high-spirited but basically good kids and we love them dearly. However, we have reservations: Can we handle those two boys in addition to our own boy? On top of that, my wife's sister has lately asked her the same thing about her two kids, a girl and a boy. Don't get me wrong, I love my nephews and nieces, but my wife and I don't make a lot of money and we're thinking of having a second kid ourselves. Are we being selfish to hesitate? Should we say yes on the hopeful assumption that it's one promise we'll never have to fulfill? Is there some kind way to say, "We're just not sure yet, but we love your kids anyway?"
Doubtful
Dear Doubtful,
You say yes, praying that the unthinkable will not happen, but knowing that should you be charged with the care of any of these children, God will provide. You would not, in a moment of horror and tragedy, watch your nephews and nieces shuffled off into the care of strangers. I think you would not. The parents are only asking you to affirm this now, for their own peace of mind. Do it and don't worry about it.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I'm 30, use a wheelchair and am single. Last summer my nondisabled live-in boyfriend left me for another woman. We were together for six years and I had no idea he had been feeling like leaving me for the last two years of our relationship. We fell madly in love and my disability was never an issue for him and never for me. We traveled all around Europe when we weren't working. He was my best friend and gave to me so unselfishly that I look back and wonder if I took his love for granted. As my disability progressed, he became my caregiver. And I look back to a few years ago when I became ill with vertigo and had to quit my job and kind of had a breakdown. I would cry a lot and I know it was really difficult for him to see me like that. I had always been a really strong person, and ambitious, and then I took to my bed, didn't call anyone, went on antidepressants. I think he never recovered from seeing me so weakened emotionally by something he couldn't see.
I blame myself for his leaving. I became used to him like an old coat and expected he would always be with me. I have moved on somewhat, but it is still painful to process this loss. I am afraid that I will never find a new guy who will accept me like he did.
Alone and Trying to Move On
Dear Alone,
Don't blame yourself, though your analysis of what happened seems insightful and wise. He was a heroic lover and then something failed in him and perhaps this was related to your breakdown. As long as you were brave and enterprising and wheeling around Europe, he took inspiration from this and happily gave of himself -- you were his heroine -- and then came the messy sodden part and his courage failed. We all take our lovers for granted and they do become like beloved old coats; it's just in the nature of things. He didn't leave you "for another woman"; he simply ran out of steam and the other woman was a convenient lever to use to pry himself loose. I am sorry for him and for you, that this brave romance failed. I hope you hold onto all the fine memories of your best times together and don't burn them up in recriminations. Take care of yourself, sweetie, and every morning pull up your socks and make it a good day.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I am 52 years old, have been married for 24 years and have two grown children. But while my husband is very decent and well-meaning, I have been madly in love with another man for about five years now. Although we hardly get to see each other and have only spent a handful of nights together, the other man in my life is my one and only soul mate -- and I his. I will always love my husband, but I haven't been in love with him for maybe 10 years now.
My problem, of course, is how to resolve this terrible and tortuous problem. I have tried to put off making a decision for as long as I can, but my "other man" is growing restless with this situation, especially since we have been keeping our relationship unknown to the outside world. On the one hand, the last thing in the world I want to do is hurt my husband, who has dutifully put up with a lot from me and as far as I can tell, still loves me. But how can I resign myself to living the rest of my life without my most trusted friend, my reason for waking up each day -- in short, my everything? Any thoughts on this seemingly impossible scenario?
Lovelorn
Dear Lovelorn,
It would appear that you have made your firm decision and are only waiting for a good time to go ahead and do what you've chosen to do. What is the "seemingly impossible scenario"? There's nothing impossible about divorcing your husband and going with your soul mate -- it happens all the time -- and as for hurting your husband, you already have, surely. Best to screw up your courage and do the deed. But do pause for one brief moment of reflection and consider that what happened between you and your decent well-meaning husband may also happen between you and Mr. Raison D'être.
