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Saturday, Nov 28, 2009
Dear Mr. Blue,
I am 32 and my husband is 37. We have been married for 11 years and have two delightful children, one biological and one adopted. I love my husband. I'm crazy about him, want to bite him when I see him, talk with him all night and just hang out with him. We have a great life, jobs we love, amazing children and a little disposable income we use to take lovely vacations, even with the kids. And we want another child. We have searched our hearts and decided to adopt again. And we plan to eventually have another biological child, which would bring our total to four. Four children!
Mr. Blue, what's going to happen to me with all these kids? Will my husband and I ever have a moment alone? A dinner without mashed foods? Another vacation? I came to this town in a miniskirt and will be leaving in a minivan. I'm not the vain type, it doesn't take me an hour to dress myself and I don't spend money on my fingernails, but I do feel strangely proud when someone is surprised to find out that I'm 32. I get carded when buying alcohol and mistaken for the baby sitter when I'm with my kids, but there'll be no mistaking me for anything but a suburban matron when I take my brood to Wal-Mart in the minivan. Help!
Mamma Mia
Dear Mamma,
You didn't search your heart thoroughly -- you still have a lot of qualms in one ventricle -- and why not address them? Having more children might tip your canoe, so you'd best consider this in a realistic light. How much slack is there in your life? Do you have room for a third child who might have problems? Are you and your husband prepared for a bout of sleep deprivation? Remember that? You can go for weeks and weeks, in a zombielike state, with little interest in the elegant life, all because of a child who wakes you up four times a night. On the other hand, if you're managing two of them, what's a third? And if you're in a zombie state, you might get even more pleasure out of biting your husband.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I am 33 and my grandmother died two weeks ago. She was my best friend, my role model and in many ways my savior in life when everything else was down. She was the ultimate Jewish grandmother who cooked 10-course meals for me, even when she was ill and frail. She cooked for her doorman and went to the kosher butcher to buy fresh chops for her dog. She sewed beautiful clothing, but didn't want people to know she made it -- instead, she sewed designer labels inside, being humble about her own work. She was a flirt and would go out dancing even when she was in her 70s. She made sure I bundled up in the winter and laughed enough in the summers, even when she was living in Florida and I in Maine. She did so many wonderful things for me and the people around her. Then, she became very ill and suffered profoundly before she died. Fortunately I was there with her during her last few days, by her bedside. I love her so much, and don't know how to go back to living without her. I miss her horribly and don't understand how such a vibrant woman is suddenly gone. Mr. Blue, what are your thoughts?
Grief Stricken
Dear Grief,
You are the continuation and resurrection of your Jewish grandmother, having picked up so much of her in your 33 years, and so you go on, as her living legacy to the world. You'll miss her every day of your life and there's no getting around that. But she gave you precious gifts and you bear them onward. I don't know about the sewing and the 10-course meals, but the dancing and flirting and generosity to dogs are all good examples to follow.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I have been dating a man for two months. I am 39; he is 44. We hit it off very well and have fallen for each other. I think I found my soul mate. He was married for 13 years. He and his wife split up three or four years ago. And this morning I found out they are still married. I was stunned by my discovery. I asked why he hadn't been honest with me from the beginning. He said he didn't think it was a big deal or he would have told me about it earlier. He assured me he has no intention of ever going back to her and that I am the woman he loves and wants to be with. He told me it was only a piece of paper and no big deal and that he will take care of it "right away" if it bothers me, and that he has delayed only because he is lazy, etc., and just never bothered to do anything about it. For the past two months, he has been very loving and generous and I have fallen in love with him. Suddenly, I find myself confused and hurt. Am I overreacting or am I justified in feeling misled? We have plans to spend part of this weekend with some friends at his place in the mountains, and I don't even feel like going now. I honestly have no idea what to do or where to go from here. Please advise.
Duped Divorcee
Dear Duped,
You're justified in feeling bad and I don't know what you should do this weekend. I do think you could give him a chance to make things right, without any further prompting on your part. His story is thin and yet not without plausibility. He simply found it easier to put the matter of divorce under the rug. It does bother you, so he should take care of it right away. Let him do that.
