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Tuesday, Nov 24, 2009
I'm a Christian, she's a follower of Ayn Rand. She's threatening to leave me if I continue to pursue the ministry. Is there any chance for us?
Mar 13, 2001 | Dear Mr. Blue,
I am romantically involved with a woman who is perfect in almost every way, save one. She is an Objectivist (an Ayn Rand follower). I'm a Christian. When I avoid anything dealing with my faith, we have the greatest of times. I have no doubt in my mind that I would marry this woman if we didn't have such a deep-rooted difference in our fundamental outlooks on life. A little while ago, I thought I should end our romantic relationship. I tried, and she was devastated. She could not understand that I would break it off over a belief she sees as foolish and detrimental to society (if I have to apologize for the Crusades one more time, I'll be sick). Because I was genuinely fearful for her (and partly for myself), we decided to be more open about our beliefs and continue to try to work it out. In my heart, I vowed I would never leave her -- but I could never marry her.
This works out (sort of) since she really is not interested in marriage (ever), and I would sacrifice this for our continued friendship. That brings me to my problem. A week ago, she told me that I had to choose between her and my future plans (I'm studying for my divinity degree and plan on teaching religion and ministering in a church). She says that she is not asking me to give up my religion, only the ministry. I feel deep down that I want to be a minister and work with others through their difficulties. So, do I try to work it out with her? Do I choose a different career? Do I break it off with her? Is there even a right answer here?
Torn Between
Dear Torn,
The woman is trying to break off with you by presenting an impossible demand, and you should accept her gesture and decline to meet the demand and say goodbye. Nobody who loves you would present you with such a choice. Don't hide your faith. You'll need it after she's gone.
Dear Mr. Blue,
How can I knock some guy's socks off?
Dating
Dear Dating,
Be cool. Don't try too hard. Be quiet and funny. Speak succinctly and say what you think and don't say all that's on your mind. Leave early. And kiss him on the lips. And turn away and don't look back.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I have been with my boyfriend off and on for four years now (I am 26 and he is 33). I'm an Ivy League grad with a good job, and he was a house painter who then became unemployed and depressed, drank too much (still a niggling concern) and helped put me thousands of dollars in debt. We remained together to the despair of my loved ones who cannot understand his appeal and with whom he made little or no effort (he acknowledges being very intimidated by my academic friends and family). We broke up when he used my credit to get a cellphone, which he then used to place $700 of phone sex charges.
After a six-month separation, we are back together and he has been attentive, giving and unbelievably affectionate (as he always was, never had any complaints there) and has finally become more responsible, taking major strides to repair his credit and build for his future. He has even begun to pay me back, little by little. I also know that he loves me to distraction. My problem is this: I feel I cannot tell anyone I love that I am back with him because they know all he put me through and think I could do better. And there is part of me that wonders whether I should try to find another man. I love my boyfriend immensely (he brings out the caring, nurturing, affectionate side of myself I rarely glimpse), but I do not know how to bring him back into the fold. Should I see what else is out there, find someone who challenges me intellectually or just be grateful I found someone with whom I feel so comfortable and loved?
Torn in Boston
Dear Torn,
You're old enough to love who you love and to make your choice stick with your family and friends. I am an outsider who tosses out my two cents' worth and goes back to his hoop stitching. But since you ask, I say you should find someone who challenges you intellectually and who can hold his own in your world. I'm all for the Ivy League grad falling in love with the house painter, but he should be a house painter who treats her well, who endears himself to her friends and family and who has his life pulled together. It's not this gentleman, who is careening through his 30s and who has burned his bridges with your loved ones. You choose him and you are choosing a second career as an unpaid therapist, and this is a lot of rocks to put in your knapsack, my dear. If part of you is questioning this, listen to the question. At 26 you should not be carrying some guy around on your back.
