In the shadow of our elders

Since I turned 30 this year, I don't know if I qualify as youthful anymore. But I do have two baby boomer parents, divorced, naturally. I was born in 1972, which qualifies me as a Generation X-er. Since both groups seems to be the subject of much debate and conjecture, I thought I'd try and shed some light on what it is like to be part of a generation constantly in the shadow of its elders.

I think the best way to explain this is using the example of why Nirvana became so popular in the early '90s. I was in college at UC Santa Cruz, and to be there in 1991 was like stepping in a time machine to 1969. The Grateful Dead was selling out more shows than it had in its heyday and classic rock could be heard booming from every sound system in the dorms. We were a generation of kids imitating our parents. We had been so inundated in our childhoods how their "rebellion" was so fierce and cool, their experimentation so daring, their ideals so cutting edge, that I think we (or most of us) wanted to feel those things too. And since it had been done before we just sort of followed the trail that had been blazed before us.

But there was always something lacking, and it was originality. Then along came this new "grunge" movement, where the singers and bands were young, our age, not an aging Mick Jagger selling out arenas on nostalgia alone. Kurt Cobain looked like us with his Converse one-stars and vintage Hang 10 shirts. He screamed and yelled and sometimes didn't sound all that great, and yes, some uptight boomers could argue he was derivative like anything post Led Zeppelin, but he was new. His music was new and it was ours. Finally we could tell our kids about the first time we heard "Smells like Teen Spirit." I will never forget seeing Pearl Jam, Nirvana and the Red Hot Chili Peppers at the Cow Palace New Year's Eve 1991 turning into 1992. I was so excited that I had my own distinct memory of a rock show that my parents couldn't usurp.

But as hard as I try to create my own identity, mom and dad are always close behind. If you talk to my dad, he loved Kurt Cobain because "he seemed cool." If my mom is in my car and hears a song by X that she likes, she'll beg me to make a mix tape. How can I ever be cooler than my parents if my mom is driving around listening to X or the Clash?! She's even begun to rebuff the whole boomer nostalgia thing, she now groans when they have a singers & songwriters CD advertised on TV and asks when people will put the '60s to rest. My dad is anxious to hear what books I like to read, what places I go to, how "we" feel about "them," what our dating rituals are. Hmmm, sounds suspiciously like a certain Salon.com column writer.

The conclusion I have come to is, as long as we have parents and superiors who shaped their own identities on youth and coolness, it gives us less chance to express ours. And as long as you guys are obsessed with how the world sees "you" you'll never be able to see all of the things you weren't a part of creating, and I know you may cringe to hear this, but it's quite a few things. So, stop stifling yourself and accept the wheel of life, you're getting old (like all of us!) -- and stop stealing everyone's thunder!

-- Lisa Waggoner

Not wanting to be cynical

Remember if you will the movie "High Fidelity." One scene finds Rob describing, in voice-over, a relationship he took up with someone who had just had a bad breakup while he himself also just had a bad breakup. Paraphrasing: "It takes a certain disposition to be worried about being alone for the rest of your life at 26 -- we were of that disposition." I am by no means searching for a wife at this point; the whole notion of marriage is still very unrealistic and foreign to me, and yet (turning 25 recently) I feel I am beginning to understand why people desire it.

I have run into what is surely a more modern early to mid-20s dilemma. I spent quite a long time espousing and living my independence (from 23 to 25) -- dating but without a girlfriend per se. After those two decisive years I found that I did in fact want again the joy of a relationship. Simply someone to spend time with, to love, to be loved back, and of course physical intimacy. I admit two things at this point. 1) I have only made two specific attempts at relationships these past few months and 2) that I fall hard and easily for the women I choose to pursue. I find it difficult to brush away the feelings of "not being wanted."

It seems that there is a dilemma among those in their 20s, myself included. We have a certain fear of commitment, a desire to not be tied down because of what limitations that means. I find I no longer feel like that, and am sad that this is the current state of relationship ideology among those I want to date and my friends.

I can envision myself turning around when I meet someone in the future and we fall in love and give each other the happiness that enraptures and plagues (happily) our consciousness-ridden selves.

-- Lance Fuller

Fine with love that isn't free

I guess I've never read a bio on you, but your writing never suggested to me that you are old. I'm 30 and I also "want my world back."

I'm not as quick to condemn anyone in your generation as I might have been when I was full of arrogant and ignorant bluster (and blaming your numbers for my job at a photocopy shop). The preservation of youth and its psychological corollary, fear of death, are ancient afflictions. Members of your generation or any other, who cling to superficialities, nostalgia and consumerism disguised as youthfulness are easy to criticize and all too common. Botox and Jimmy Buffett's enduring popularity just make your generation's youth obsession a bit more obvious.

What's it like for me to be young and in a relationship these days? Your generation had something to prove. You fought the sexual revolution so I don't have to. Now I can use every vibrating toy or restraint in any magazine, or have missionary position sex once a year or never, and I don't have to justify it to anyone. Despite the shocking infection rates, AIDS can be avoided by adding some brains to your bacchanal. Love that is slightly less than perfectly free is still far better than what you started with. We are doing fine in this department, thank you.

What does this mean for the dynamics of my relationship? Whatever backlash may have developed from the revolution your generation brought about in our notions gender politics and society in general, I credit you guys for at least defining a line of inquiry by which we can reflect on ourselves and our mates. I don't need to feel that women are any big mystery. If you have the dreaded talk about the relationship (or sex or money or in-laws) honestly and openly, it's over faster and everyone is happier. Pain and confusion still exist, but obviously that will never change.

-- Peter Lenardon

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