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Monday, Nov 9, 2009
I keep a lineup card of my favorite actresses, and though I love Meg Ryan, her feet might be a deal breaker.
Jan 9, 2002 | Although I've been married without major indiscretion for two decades, I still keep a lineup card.
Like any conscientious manager, I change around the nine hitters on the roster whenever my team's in a slump. For example, after I saw "Anywhere But Here" I inserted the incomparable Natalie Portman into the No. 8 spot and sent down Bridget Fonda because of her lackluster performance in "Lake Placid." (However, if Fonda can get her swing fixed while on her rehab assignment I'll probably take her back.)
Then there was that bittersweet moment after I saw "The Out of Towners" when I had to tell Goldie Hawn that it was time to hang up her cleats. But I was pleased to replace the longest-reigning cutest actress in Hollywood with the newest cutest actress in Hollywood -- Hawn's daughter, Kate Hudson, whose luminous portrayal of Penny Lane in "Almost Famous" got my scouts seriously hot and bothered.
After Anne Heche played a Tourette's victim on "Ally McBeal" I benched one of my veterans, Michelle Pfeiffer. Although I still applaud whenever I see her chewing gum in "The Fabulous Baker Boys" or meowing in "Batman Returns," Pfeiffer hasn't had anything close to her career year in many seasons. (I was surprised to discover that my wife, Kitty, had also penciled in Heche on her card, making room for the hard-edged waif by giving Hugh Grant his unconditional release.) And just this morning I decided that I need more pop from my cleanup spot so I sent down the erratic Parker Posie to make room for Anna Kournikova, the tennis player.
After I took some heat last season for starting only babes and starlets, I drafted Greta Van Susteren, the nimble little lawyer who co-hosted the CNN legal affairs show "Burden of Proof" (until Fox wooed her away). I liked the way -- for obscure reasons -- her smile got all crooked when she was excited about some point of law. The guys who had shamed me into this roster change featured players on their lineup cards such as Catherine the Great, the singer Natalie Merchant, lady CEOs and women who never existed in the flesh (Betty Crocker was one). These were managers, I finally decided, who had allowed their minds to beat out everything else for control.
After suffering through a dismal road trip with the politically correct but sensually inert Van Susteren (she's good with the glove but just can't hit to save her life), I had to admit that I didn't want women who made me think. I wanted women who made me dizzy. It was my teenage nephew who finally forced the issue (his leadoff hitter is Dominique Swain, the nymphet Jeremy Irons was obsessed with in the remake of "Lolita"). The boy sent me a squib from a fanzine that clearly showed that the person Van Susteren resembled most in the world was Fabio. I replaced her on the spot with Gwyneth Paltrow. And I've never looked back.
