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Friday, Nov 27, 2009
Dear Cary,
About six months ago I met a girl at a function. We ended up spending the night together. I thought everything was fine, but the next morning she was quiet and aloof. I asked her what was wrong. She said, "You don't want to hear this." I pressed her about it, and finally she said, "You're too small for me." I was about to point out that I'm nearly 6 feet tall when I realized that she wasn't talking about my height. There was no snappy rejoinder available to me at that time, so I dressed and left.
In looking back over the past couple of years, I've had at least three potential relationships that seemed to end once things got carnal. For the record, I measured myself at 4 and three-quarter inches, fully erect. There. I said it, albeit anonymously.
There isn't much more to tell, other than that I'm fairly devastated. I now avoid places where sex generally is commodified. I go to movies, but not with dates. I drink more. I look at ads about implants and surgeries, but I cannot envision myself making that peculiar phone call. Does size matter that much? Do you think women have one of those threshold/roller-coaster signs -- "You must be this long to ride this ride"? Or should I pretend nothing happened and ignore what she said, putting my trust in the human race and hoping for a better result next time? I'd appreciate your advice, though I'm ready for the jokes.
Not-So-Biggie Smalls
Dear Not So Biggie,
Well, size definitely does matter to some women in some situations, and to varying degrees, but there is no universal standard. While penis size occupies an especially powerful place in the psyche, it is, like many other things in a relationship, also a matter of personal taste. It probably has an exaggerated importance in the kind of casual settings where, as you put it, "sex generally is commodified," but there's no use ignoring it or pretending it doesn't make a difference.
The key is to finding the role it does play in a relationship and not having it be a deal-breaker. If a woman is really crazy about you, she's going to make exceptions. Not only will sex take its place as only one of many important things you do together, but the communication that comes of long acquaintance will enable the two of you to find things to do that make you happy that don't necessarily depend on your having a great big impressive schlong.
There is a wealth of technical information about penis size available, and there are experts who know much more of the clinical details than I. But I would focus on assigning this particular fact about you its relative importance in your overall makeup.
And now, I'm going to go measure myself.
Dear Cary,
I need to stop drinking so much -- I suppose that means I need to stop drinking entirely. There was a message this morning on my voice mail from my boyfriend saying he came over last night and I wasn't sober enough to talk to. His having come over at all is news to me, and not good news. He's seen me drunk many times, more than he's seen me sober, though we have spent wonderful time together when I've been sober. He's the best, the one. He's patient (he works with underprivileged kids), he's kind, he's funny, blah blah blah.
I've been through outpatient rehab programs twice. I've gone to AA, but there are too many danged people! I don't know what I'm asking you, really. I know the answer is, "You have to stop drinking." Maybe I just want to tell you that I read your column and I like your advice. I'm 36 too, so not all of your readers are under 30.
I'm supposed to call him today, because "we really need to talk." I know we do, but I don't want to, not about this, and not now. I love him with a new kind (to me) of love. It's not fierce, or crazy, but it's deep, and spectacular. It's like reading "Moby-Dick" for the first time -- I never knew it could be like this.
Jon
Dear Jon,
You just have to keep at it. We both know you have to stop. So just keep trying. Don't mind the people at AA. Just keep going. Try a residential treatment program, too. Why not? Ninety days with a bunch of misfits could be just the thing. Just keep at it. I know, I know, I know. But what can you do? Sure, that's true. Right. I know how you feel. But there's nothing for it but to quit. So you just keep at it. Learn to be uncomfortable and not to care. Nobody says you have to be comfortable. We live in a narcotized society of smooth, comfortable people, and some of us just aren't comfortable. Why should we be? When I quit drinking I learned to be just fantastically, profoundly uncomfortable and defiantly not to care! To be aware of how uncomfortable I was and to just say screw it! It was a spirit of marvelous defiance in which I found the strength to be a writhing mass of jittery fear and just walk down the street anyway. Who cares? Screw 'em! Let 'em live in their own little hells: I've got mine! Plus, it is nice to remember who came over last night, even if you just played Scrabble. Just keep at it every day. Get up and go to a meeting. Call somebody who doesn't drink. Do everything possible, do everything the old-timers say and then do everything possible again. And then keep doing it. When you feel like breaking down and crying, break down and cry. And then just keep not drinking. And eventually you've made it through the day, and then you go to sleep and get up and do it again.
