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Monday, Nov 9, 2009
The Secret Service claims that "in June of 1995, an American was murdered in Lagos, Nigeria, while pursuing a 419 scam, and numerous other foreign nationals have been reported as missing." And yet, because the letters have a certain rough-hewn charm and indicate a vivid imagination at work, one likes to think these bad rascals are not all murderers but, instead, simply hardworking con artists who've missed their true calling as novelists and have had to take up fiction writing's more lucrative sister vocation: fraud.
The 419 writers have a gift for cooking up characters that William Boyd would envy and a penchant for wonderful names that must have Charles Dickens, wherever he is, standing up and applauding. After a typical letter's splendid greeting, the author introduces himself or herself:
"I am Sir Sambujang Jammeh, the personal Assistant to Mohammed Abacha (the eldest son of the late Nigerian Head of State, General Sani Abacha).
"I am Timi Phillips, a soldier by profession and a colonel by rank. I was the immediate director in Ministry Of Mines and Natural Resources (M.M.N.R) in my country Sierra Leone before the out break of the war."
"I am Ahmed Grema Esq.(san) senior partner of Ahmed & Associates law chambers, a lawyer/attorney to Hamza al Mustapha who was the former chief security officer to the military dictator of Nigeria, General Sani Abacha."
"I am barrister Momoh Sanni Momoh. I represent Mohammed Abacha, son of the late Gen. Sani Abacha, who was the former military head of state in Nigeria."
"I ['Mallam Sadiq Abacha'] am one of the sons of the late Nigerian head of state, General Sani Abacha."
"I am Susan Lateef the first daughter of the late chief Joseph Lateef. My father until his death was the director of DIAMOND mining field of Kalangba district in Sierra Leone."
The story's out of the gate at a gallop and we've only just met our new friends. And what a colorful cast they are. It seems likely that Sir Sambujang, Mallam, son of the general, Ahmed and his fellow "lawyer/attorney," Momoh, have some history together, some of it not pretty and all of it the makings for a succulent subplot. As for Colonel Timi and Susan, first daughter of the diamonds' best friend, we can only speculate what sort of relationship might exist between the handsome professional soldier and the comely offspring of Chief Lateef, but they say that in Côte d' Ivoire in the city of Abidjan on Avenue 32, Rue 44 at La Paix Hotel, even with the sea breeze blowing, the nights can get very, very warm.
As in all good fiction, it's the little touches that give the 419 stories their sparkle and verisimilitude. No effort is spared in keeping the letter's recipient informed and reassured. For example, this, from Mallam Sadiq Abacha himself,
Be rest assured that this transaction is 100% risk free as all modalities have been put in place for a smooth and successful conclusion. However, should you be intrested in assisting us, I will not hesistate to furnish you with the access code of the secret account, code which you will present at the Central Bank of Nigeria.
"All modalities." Could anything be more comforting than that? I think not, but I had to look up "modalities" just to be certain I knew what the late general's son was referring to. Perhaps Mallam and I have the same dictionary (Webster's New World) as the definition that seemed most applicable bore an uncanny resemblance to the 419 prose style: "Logic the qualification in a proposition that indicates that what is affirmed or denied is possible, impossible, necessary, contingent, etc." Yes, quite. That, coupled with the furnishing of the access code of the secret account, conveys an unquestionable degree of solidity to the deal.
When unpleasant personnel issues have disrupted the otherwise smooth functioning of my correspondent's operation, I've been thoughtfully apprised. Last May, for instance, I received a 419 message from "Dr. Bisi Odum," representative "of a very wealthy group in the West African sub region." After the usual revelation of a mountain of cash desperately looking for a new home, Odum implored, "We pray God touches your heart to see the urgency and importance of this pending mutually beneficial transaction." The good doctor then closed his letter -- rather winningly, I thought -- with "I would go to await your swift response."
Unfortunately, I'd only just begun to consider his generous offer when, little more than an hour later, a second letter arrived, this one signed by the hapless Dr. Odum's superior, "Dr. Akmed Haruna." The postcript explained the duplicate messages:
PS. I instructed my personal assistant (Dr.Bisi Odum) to send this mail earlier, but unfortunately, he just got sacked, reason being official misdemeanor. Hence I am sending directly this time, please bear with the inconvenience associated with same.
The letters' authors are sensitive souls and while they are clearly concerned with my feelings, they also ask for delicacy in the off chance I don't wish to become a multimillionaire. Jacob Maisha, "a Sierra Leone investor," ended the letter he wrote this way: "Please, note that if you cannot help I will not wish to be insulted, just save your time and do not reply."
