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Saturday, Jul 4, 2009
At 67, Mamie Van Doren, natural wonder, B-movie actress and Nixon favorite, is selling nipple prints online and enjoying a comeback.
Jul 19, 2000 | To understand why Mamie Van Doren is who she is and how she has held on to what she was, we first must examine the breasts. Lordy, those breasts. Fashioned by God and fondled by Elvis. Born during the New Deal and bloomed during Nagasaki. Coaxed Howard Hughes out of reclusion. Got action in the back seats of cars America hasn't made in half a century. Even brought down the house in Vietnam. Bigger than Marilyn's, more buoyant than Jayne Mansfield's -- and they're still here.
Boy, are they still here -- even though it's been decades since Mamie Van Doren was on Hollywood's A-list of pinup girls and B-list of movie starlets. They were showcased in a string of drive-in quickies and sexploitation films throughout the '50s, including "Sex Kittens Go to College" (subtitled "You Never Saw a Student Body Like This!") and "Untamed Youth" ("Youth Turned Rock 'n' Roll Wild and the Punishment Farm that Makes Them Wilder!") They were just about the only facet of Van Doren's career that stayed afloat during the '60s. They've outlasted -- she's outlasted -- not only her fellow '50s bombshells but the leading men who pursued them: Clark Gable, Cary Grant, Frank Sinatra, even Rock Hudson (who, she claims, left a Clinton-esque stain on her dress).
So yes, thankfully, the breasts are still among us. And they're still 34 F -- the F "as in fun," Van Doren says. There are reasons why they are especially fun. There is an anatomical quirk, for one thing. Most breasts, in case you haven't noticed, start a good 6 inches directly below the clavicle. Not Van Doren's. Hers are extra wide and begin swelling all the way from underneath her arms, the ultimate effect being that her "entire front is all breasts."
Then there is the bra. No generic Maidenform for breasts like these, no sirree. Van Doren has her bras specially made in England, the same exact brand endorsed by the queen mother; indeed, they bear the imprint of the royal family's emblem. But most of the time, Van Doren eschews bras, preferring instead to "let them all hang out." And why not? When you do arm lifts every day, a weight clasped in each hand, it "helps them considerably to stay lifted," as she says. Though, when pressed, even she concedes amazement that her breasts remain exactly as everyone remembers them.
You can buy Van Doren's breasts. Go to her Web site and, if you can pry your gaze from that first voluminous cheesecake shot (the one above the words "The First Authentic Sex Kitten In Cyberspace" -- a phrase with the trademark symbol after it), click on the "Autographs" icon and scroll to the bottom. There you'll see Doren dutifully making a "nipple print" for a loyal fan, which costs just $59.95 plus postage and handling.
There is more to the site, of course, pictures and stories and video clips you would not want your grandmother to see, let alone star in, which makes the fact that Van Doren is old enough to be your grandmother quite ... something. How many 67-year-old women do you want to see canoodling a magnum while writhing on a couch (designed to look -- not surprisingly -- like a breast), as Van Doren does in her new clip, "Girl, Gun and Black Stockings"? How many women, let alone a senior citizen, could pull off -- and quite well, thank you very much -- a two-minute movie titled "A Girl and Her Banana," in which Van Doren clutches the "biggest banana I could find in my kitchen," and then, well, you just have to see it to believe it.
