King Kaufman's Sports Daily

Now that the Lakers have broken up, you're going to miss them. Plus: Griffey's 500th homer inspires new heights of TV surrealism.

June 21, 2004 | The Lakers exploded Friday, blew apart like Bruce the shark at the end of "Jaws," little bloody pieces of Karl Malone's ambitions plopping into the water for a solid hour afterward.

Phil Jackson quit. Shaquille O'Neal asked to be traded. Kobe Bryant declared for free agency. It got so bad that two ballboys took lifeguard jobs and Jack Nicholson phoned the Clippers ticket office. Dyan Cannon and Andy Garcia were left pondering a world in which they never get their mugs on TV, even for a few seconds at a time. Suddenly, not returning those calls from "The Surreal Life" is starting to seem a little shortsighted. Fine idea, taking career advice from Meg Ryan.

Malone looks like he's going to retire, and if he doesn't he should, and Gary Payton, exposed as a washed-up star in the playoffs, wouldn't be a major factor even in the unlikely event he re-signs.

And so ends the one-year tale of the damnedest, most weirdly fascinating team that's played a season in my lifetime, and probably yours too. They went from being title shoo-ins to also-rans, then back, then back again, bickering and pouting and self-destructing all the way. By comparison, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf" was a pleasantly quiet evening over at the neighbors' place. This bunch made "East of Eden" look like "Ozzie and Harriet."

Bryant probably won't leave. The Lakers can offer him more money than anyone else, and what he's really wanted for a long time was to play for a team without Shaq on it and not coached by Phil Jackson, who has the odd idea that if you're playing with the most dominant player of all time, you oughta think about passing him the ball from time to time. If the Lakers trade O'Neal, which they've said they're going to try to do, Bryant will get his wish.

A lot is being made of team owner Jerry Buss "picking" Bryant over Jackson and O'Neal, and how that's a risky choice, given Bryant's on-court selfishness, which only figures to intensify without the most dominant player of all time demanding the ball from him, and his sexual assault trial in Colorado, which could send him to prison.

But what was Buss supposed to do? Jackson has pretty clearly had enough of being Bryant's coach, so the choice was really Bryant vs. O'Neal, with Jackson as a possible bonus if you keep O'Neal and you're willing to pay up. Letting them both get away is probably not an option, even if there's little danger of the fan base jumping to the Clippers. There are plenty of other things for the glittering L.A. crowd to devote its time and attention to, you know, like having babies and shopping for ironic Jesus T-shirts.

Next page: Shaq is getting old. Plus: More annoying habits of TV broadcasters