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Thursday, Nov 26, 2009
"As a gay man, I found the column condescending, out of touch, and insulting." Salon readers react to Ayelet Waldman's latest essay.
Mar 31, 2005 | [Read "You're Supposed to Marry the Person You Love, Mom," by Ayelet Waldman.]
Ayelet Waldman's column was a train wreck. I was shocked that Salon would run it.
Wishing her son was gay is a terribly selfish thing to put on a child. I am out, in a committed relationship and loved by my entire family and many friends, but there are still days when it's not easy. It's anything from deciding when to come out to strangers to people wanting to lecture you about your "lifestyle." There are always decisions and choices that straight people don't have to deal with.
I might have felt a bit more sympathy if Waldman had said that she wanted her children to have a strong sense of social justice and being part of a minority group can help that. Or if she'd wanted her son to be an artist and felt that being an outsider contributes to artistic vision. But she didn't.
Her reasons were retro-stereotypical. Shopping? Inappropriate relationships with your mother? This is not the 1950s and this type of stereotyping is insulting and one of the reasons it's still hard to be gay in Bush's America.
-- Jeffrey Marks
Hoping your son turns out to be gay is as dangerous as hoping he's straight: In projecting your own fantasies on him, you set up yourself and, more important, him for a crushing letdown. Your motives for wanting a gay son seem dubious, at least as you explained them in your article; they seem to be an expression of a political and sexual desire of your own. The truly radical position to take is to let your son simply be.
-- Tayt Harlin
Does Waldman even realize what she is saying? Why does she equate being gay with wanting to wear a pink peignoir or playing with one's sister's dolls? Does she actually want her son to be a cross-dresser? As a gay man, I found these comments to be condescending, out of touch, and quite a bit insulting. Either support gay rights or don't; but please don't equate them with some deep desire on the part of gays and lesbians to trash sex-role stereotypes. That is not what civil rights are about.
-- Jordan Horowitz
Given the recent controversy regarding Ayelet Waldman, with one side decrying her blog as an altar to the gods of narcissistic exhibitionism, another suggesting there ain't nothin' wrong, I'm wondering which side has more evidence today after reading her column about her desire for a gay son.
How nice that she can at least acknowledge that her wish might be the product of stereotypes -- stereotypes that are seen as evil when furthered by conservatives, but that strangely must be celebrated by liberals. What's much more troubling is Waldman's admission that she hopes her son is gay so that he will be more likely to maintain an "inappropriately intimate" relationship with her. The honesty is, well, scary. But honesty alone does not make a good columnist, mother or person. You gotta do something with these little bits of truth, Ayelet, like figure out why you want an inappropriate relationship with your son -- and fix it, so that he'll have a better chance at being his own man -- gay, straight or Republican.
She hopes the cold, cruel world won't change her son's tolerant heart. Here's to that, but let's hope her self-centered one gets a much-needed bypass, quick.
-- Jeremy Valdez
Good for Zeke!
First, Let me give you my background. I am a black lesbian, with children, grandchildren, and a host of nieces and nephews. Given what I know of the young people in my family, with the background Zeke has he will grow to be a staunch defender of his friends (all of them). Children can be uncannily aware of what is right and sum it up all in a few words. Whatever the right does, my children continue to love, honor and argue with me. My mother still thinks I can do no wrong and my brother thinks I am the best (can't argue with him on that). My grandchildren have spoken up for me in schools and playgrounds. They continually challenge me to be the best I can be.
Don't worry about Zeke; he is definitely on the right road.
-- Denise F. Alexander
I'm a little uneasy about this latest column. Of course Waldman's son wants to be gay. She wants him to be, and he wants to please her! It seems to me that deliberately or unwittingly, Waldman has given signals to her son that indicate that gay is the way to be, and praises him when he does or says something that fits her ideal (a gay son). Children want to please their parents.
Furthermore, what if her son turns out to be straight? Will he feel the disappointment, subtle or not, that gay young people have been feeling from their narrow-minded straight parents for years? In trying to mold her son into something that she wants him to be, and that he may not, she is doing him a disservice. She should think about that and then start saving up for his therapy bills.
-- Michele Deniken
"When I started blogging, I discovered a compulsive need to open the tattered edges of my emotional raincoat and expose the nasty parts beneath. But at what cost to my kids?" The author wrote this in her previous article, and she needs to ask herself this question again.
Gender is confusing enough for young people these days, the last thing a son needs is for his mother, with whom he has an "inappropriate relationship," telling him she "wishes he were gay." This little guy is emotionally attached to her, and is probably going to try to give her whatever she wants. After all, he's "afraid you'll kill yourself" (previous article by author).
Isn't it entirely possible that the son is attracted to the pretty girl (after all, why would he bring it up otherwise), but that he, having overheard his mother say it before, is trying to be a "good boy" by saying he is gay?
Finally, as a father of two daughters, I ask -- why is her son even aware of gender/sexual politics at this age. It is too much for him.
-- John
