Dr. Bad News

Wallerstein stresses that she is "not against divorce" and that no one has the "moral right" to tell people to stay in unhappy marriages because it's better for the kids. Nonetheless, she strongly suggests that couples beset by problems such as "infidelity, depression, sexual boredom, loneliness, rejection" should "seriously consider staying together for the sake of [the] children" if they can "maintain their loving, shared parenting without feeling martyred." Of course, that's not exactly a clear-cut guideline; the difference between martyrdom and dissatisfaction is pretty subjective. (It's also worth noting that there is ample evidence from research that children can be negatively affected by parental depression and even unspoken tension.)

While Wallerstein offers some sensible advice about things parents can do to make divorce less traumatic for children, her message is easily distilled as "stick it out." To cultural leftists such as Katha Pollitt, this suggestion is part of a backlash against post-'60s personal liberation and perhaps even against women's new freedoms, given that mothers initiate two-thirds of divorces.

Braver, who is far more optimistic than Wallerstein about the prospects for children of divorce, nonetheless agrees that parents who want to end "unsatisfying but not destructive" marriages would often do well to reconsider. But he also believes, as does Kelly, that far more attention should be paid to ways in which the detriments of divorce can be mitigated.

Recent studies suggest, for example, that children do better when both parents remain actively involved in their lives. "That gets lost in all the rhetoric about how divorce is terrible and damaging to children," says Kelly.

Wallerstein, meanwhile, takes a rather jaundiced view of divorced men's ability to be good parents. She also fails to mention that fathers today are far more likely to remain close to their children after divorce than they were in 1971.

Both Braver and Kelly support a presumption of shared custody when both parents are fit and there is no abuse or extreme conflict (which Wallerstein opposes as too rigid to meet children's needs). This doesn't necessarily mean an inflexible 50-50 schedule; it means that both parents have "substantial" time with the children -- the benchmark is that no less than 30 percent of the time is spent with the nonresidential parent -- and equal decision-making authority.

The research remains inconclusive on whether such arrangements result in better outcomes for the children. (They are definitely better for divorced fathers.) But, intriguingly, several studies have found that states with high rates of joint custody awards have shown a greater drop in divorce rates over the past decade than states in which sole maternal custody remains the norm.

One possible explanation is that when separating parents must work together on a post-divorce parenting plan, they realize that they will still have to interact with each other a lot and/or that they can communicate much better than they thought -- and end up staying together. It is also likely that, as research by University of Iowa law professor Margaret Brinig indicates, women are less likely to leave their marriages when they know they are less likely to have full custody after divorce. (Feminists who find this disturbing should ponder the fact that such a change only puts women on a somewhat more equal footing with men.)

Even if joint custody becomes the norm, any likely reduction in the divorce rate will still leave many children growing up in divorced families. And shared parenting after divorce cannot replace an intact family, if only because, as Wallerstein persuasively argues, the child no longer sees the family as a whole that is greater than the sum of its parts. The loss of that wholeness is poignant. At the same time, we cannot turn away from the reality that modern marriage exists in an age of choice. As Wallerstein notes, "People want and expect a lot of more out of marriage than did earlier generations." That is why single men and women, from divorced or intact families, don't "settle" as easily as they used to; that is why spouses are less willing to tolerate wretched, loveless marriages.

Maybe some people want and expect too much. Maybe they need to be reminded occasionally that their emotional or sexual frustrations should be weighed against their children's need for a stable and secure home. On the other hand, perhaps it's not a good idea to give adult children of divorce an all-purpose excuse to blame Mom and Dad for everything that goes wrong in their lives. In any case, as Wallerstein herself acknowledges, "clearly there is no road back." As long as family and freedom both remain cherished values in our culture, it is likely that we will always be striving to maintain an often tense balance between them.

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