I would not have killed anyone in the name of God, but beyond that important distinction between me and some fundamentalist extremists, I see very little difference. I feared and suspected those who believed in a God who was not my God. I knew I had the answer of the universe. I knew I was right about the path to God. And for years, I didn't doubt it, not for a minute. I didn't waver in the face of others who embraced another religion as fiercely as I. They were mistaken. They had been deceived by their own desires, their prejudice, their allegiance to the Father of Lies, Satan himself.

I believed God to be merciful and loving, but that knowledge paled in my understanding of God as a strict and merciless judge of sin. When the Bible said the beginning of wisdom was the fear of God, I took that seriously. God was not going to take my sin lightly -- not a God who sacrificed his own son for my sin. I kept a tight rein on my actions for two decades of my life. I could not lose my temper, tell a lie, speed even one mile over the speed limit. If I were leafing through a magazine and saw an astrology column, I slammed it shut for fear that I would read even a word of such pagan and occultist prose.

I was filled with anxiety much of the time because, while I could control my actions, I could not control my thoughts. And sometimes the thoughts in my head, my modest and bowed head, were evil. I wanted attention. I was proud. I was jealous. I could hide these emotions from the other believers, but I could not hide them from God and it made me very, very afraid. I resented the flash and dazzle of the world, the temptations always there before me.

For a long time, God's approval meant everything to me. He was my meat and drink. I wanted Him to love me and I longed to prove my love to Him. I often thought about heaven. I daydreamed about walking with Him on a green, celestial hillside, His eyes on me. There were no flames of judgment, no fury over sin, only love for me, a holy and fierce love for me, His disciple, the one who denied herself the pleasures of this world out of adoration of Him. I knew He would reward me and I could not wait to see His face.

The fundamentalist is intractable. Can you convince her to compromise in any of the tenets she holds sacred? You cannot. Even in the most benign case, she will see you as a contaminant. Your values and your ideas are not worthy of her consideration because they are wrong. The fundamentalist does not need to understand you and has no desire to try: You are of your father, the devil, the deceiver, the one who is the enemy of her soul. You are not redeemable as far as the fundamentalist is concerned. Your fate is sealed. You, in fact, are dead already.

That is why it's not such a leap for these fundamentalist extremists from another part of the world to see others as nonentities. As far as they are concerned, those outside the true faith might as well be dead. Unbelievers have missed out on the only real thing on planet Earth, the only opportunity for redemption and a ticket to paradise. Through their own choice and because of their own rebellion, they have sealed their fate. Even a loving God must allow humans to exercise free will and take the path they choose.

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