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Thursday, Nov 26, 2009
Film critics struggle to review "The End of Days" and still retain their indie cred. Plus: The AIDS crisis in Africa and one writer's desperate attempt to get a job at Maxim.
Dec 6, 1999 | I do not envy film critics. Certainly, they have the distinct pleasure of viewing movies for free, days and weeks before everyone else sees them. But they also have to spend countless hours paying close attention to the worst crap spewing out of Hollywood studios. For hired snobs, it must be perverse torture.
Take the new Arnold Schwarzenegger vehicle, "End of Days." Any cognizant being could see from the previews that one word, and one word only, could describe the film and its content: "crap." But of course that doesn't get critics off the hook.
The agreeable took the easy way out and described the film as -- and I sum up -- "A rollicking, action packed, apocalyptic hootenanny!" That's fine if you're writing to endear yourself to the L.A. film publicists. Commentators who wish to maintain their indie street cred must resort to either seething disdain, stand-up comedy or some amusing combination of the two.
The plot
"A young woman (Robin Tunney of 'The Craft' in a woefully underwritten role) is the chosen bride of ... (say it like Dana Carvey's Church Lady) SATAN! If he has her during the hour immediately preceding the millennial midnight, 'the world as we know it will cease to be.' So sayeth Rod Steiger ..." (The Hartford Advocate)
Ah-nahld
"The days when the popular culture rather generously made a home for this hydrant-headed dummkopf are coming to an end. Indeed, 'End of Days' is Arnold's idea of stretching, playing a vodka-chugging security guard whose alcoholism hasn't interfered with his round-the-clock (and unreferenced, but c'mon) weight training ..." (The Village Voice)
"In his endearingly heavy-handed way, Arnold saves the world, again and again, from predators and interlopers, leaving behind more corpses than a cholera epidemic." (Metro Times, Detroit)
Director Peter Hyams
"Director Peter Hyams doesn't get enough credit as a satirist (the Jean Claude Van Damme vehicle 'Sudden Death' is utterly hilarious, though too many people took it 'seriously'), but here he does it again. The smart aleck villain, the tortured hero, the wacky sidekick (Kevin Pollak), the sexy girl literally overcoming her demons, Rod Steiger as a crazy priest, the pope in a wheelchair, a dead guy on the ceiling -- 'End of Days' has it all." (The Stranger (Seattle))
Satan
"Satan, as everyone knows, lives in New York and is a really good kisser. He's so good at it that he can just start kissing anyone he wants and they immediately get into it. Satan is kinda like David Hasselhof's idea of himself." (Tucson Weekly)
Mind-boggling leaps in reason
"Nobody in the film seems to have any awareness that the name Thomas Aquinas already has some currency in religious circles, so when Schwarzenegger asks people 'Do you know Thomas Aquinas?' they never start quoting the 'Summa Contra Gentiles'; instead they always just say 'You mean that crazy priest?'" (Tuscon Weekly)
"Let's stop right here and dwell for a moment on the concept of a Mephistopheles who only rises to the surface every 1,000 years (as the script tells us), yet can't find a better vessel than Gabriel Byrne." (Orlando Weekly)
Philosophy
"A cosmos whose driving force of malevolence can be outwitted by Arnold Schwarzenegger is a safer haven than we ever suspected." (Minneapolis/St. Paul City Pages)
"Did you know that 666 turned upside down is 999...as in 1999?" (Dallas Observer)
How it ends
"Yep, it's the end of something all right." (In Pittsburgh Weekly)
How to feel about it
"The world needs another tale of millennial apocalypse brought on by Satan like we need paper cuts in the ocean." (Anchorage Press)
"Just think of it as a really rousing remake of 'The Muppets Take Manhattan' and I think your low expectations will pay off in sheer cinematic fun." (Tucson Weekly)
"By the finale, you won't care whether Arnold saves the world or not, because burning in hell might be a better option than seeing another film by Schwarzenegger or Hyams." (Willamette Week)
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Seattle Weekly, Dec. 2-8
"A mania for tights (Or, How to make The Nutcracker live up to its name.)" by Frankie Ghee
"The Nutcracker" presents critics with a terrible conundrum. Dis it and face a gaping hole where once ballet ads were. Praise it, and never be taken seriously again. Seattle Weekly columnist Frankie Ghee takes a new approach, suggesting a WWF-"Nutcracker" crossover event. It would at once enrich ballet's coffers and lend some much-needed sophistication to pro wrestling. Now that's what I call fun for the whole family.
