Things to do in Los Angeles when you're dead
Take cops in general, and Los Angeles cops in particular. Why in the world should we care about another unconventional detective investigating high-profile murder cases in La-la land? And just how lazy are the studios that they would dare to set so very many shows in The Southland! when there are so many more interesting places in the country that we never see on our TV screens?

The geniuses behind TNT's "The Closer" (Mondays at 9 p.m.) figured it was enough that the main character, Brenda Johnson (played by Kyra Sedgwick), was from Atlanta, so those of us from the South can cringe every time Sedgwick opens her mouth. She's not all that bad at the accent, to be fair, but like most fake Southern accents, it's far too exaggerated, and then missing completely from certain words, which are delivered in the actress's Manhattan-private-school default accent.

As usual, the writers find ways to get us to invest in this woman, and as usual, I'm a sucker for their cheap tricks. She loves MoonPies (aww!), she has cute conversations on the phone with her mom (double awww!), and she's treated with resentment and outright hostility by her underlings in the department (booo!). And then, of course, there are the scenes where she proves herself to be absolutely brilliant in the interrogation room! Her peers slowly start to develop a grudging respect for her skills, one that's sure to give way to full-on admiration and unconditional positive regard by the season's end. We know this arc, we've seen it, oh, 50 or 60 times before.

And yet, "The Closer" deserves its high ratings (it was the highest-rated premiere ever of an original scripted series on basic cable), because Sedgwick is a good actress, the supporting cast (except for that twerpy boss man -- we're supposed to believe she once had a thing for him?) is strong, the whodunits are unpredictable enough to hold your interest and there's not a single skanky dingbat in sight.

Things that make sadists smile

Dear ILTW,

I think you've expressed this very emotion before and I thought you might understand. Now I'm not a bad person. I like people in general. But why do I want to see such horrible things happen to Nate on "Six Feet Under"? He's the most pathetic character I've ever seen but still none of the earthly disasters that occur to him on a daily basis are sufficient to satiate my lust for his pain. I need a spinoff show, set in hell, where Nate experiences unspeakable horror for the entire two-hour weekly show. I also have to confess what a tease Brenda's miscarriage was. I want more. I started out liking the show a few years back, but now it's become a channel for all my sadistic impulses and they are much stronger than I thought. And I like it.

Sincerely,

Sadistic in San Francisco

Dear SISF,

These feelings you've been experiencing are perfectly natural. While many of us might feel "strange" or "uncomfortable" about wanting to see Nate on "Six Feet Under" suffer, scientific evidence suggests that we're encountering a strictly physiological phenomenon. In a recent study, when subjects watched Alan Ball's show, the part of the brain neurologists have coined the "Empathy Lobe" switched off, while the Vengeful and Sadistic Nodes of the brain started lighting up like a pinball machine.

This means that our urge to grab Nate by the throat and scream, "Oh my god, will you ever stop whining and just be happy for one friggin' second of your pathetic miserable life?" is actually a predictable involuntary response. While you should find tonight's episode (Monday at 9 p.m. on HBO) at least a little bit gratifying, I'm betting your thirst for Nate's suffering will take on new proportions as well.

I used to have this problem with Lisa, Nate's passive-aggressive loser of a wife. I knew she was bad news from the minute I laid eyes on her, and the more she suffered or whined or didn't get what she wanted, the happier I was. Her disappearance was a joyous occasion; my only regret was that she didn't suffer more when her sister's husband (aka her lover) killed her.

The characters of "Six Feet Under" present an interesting alternative to Springer-style rubbernecking, when you think about it. Because, as much as we detest glue-sniffing half-wits who sleep with their sisters' husbands and then taunt their sisters about it on national television, what could possibly be worse than passive-aggressive hippies who sleep with their sisters' husbands, but hide it and act like they're soulful, innocent sweeties who do nothing but bake wheat-free cookies all day? Ultimately, Nate draws our ire because he acts like this enlightened, thoughtful, smug human being, and then, every time the shit hits the fan, he soils his pants and runs whining to the nearest wounded stranger for a pat on the head and a little dose of the kind of unconditional positive regard that only a stranger can give.

The self-pity! The self-deception! The bald-faced lies! At least those creeps on "Springer" don't whine in therapy about how hard it is to be so creepy!

Pop quiz!
Whenever emotions start running this high, that's when we know it's time for a little quiz. You see, we have to channel our emotions into concrete activities, chickens, so we can learn important lessons -- and also, so we don't smash someone's face in with a baseball bat, or bail on our very expensive weddings, or bake wheat-free cookies for our children. So, look deep within yourself and answer the following questions:

1. Which is worse?
a) A scrappy-looking mother who tells her skeazy daughter that she's a skeaze live on "Jerry Springer," or
b) A prissy socialite mother who borrows on her skeazy daughter's fame to get her own TV show.

2. Who do you love more?
a) A smart Southern lady cop who channels her negative emotions into squeezing confessions out of hardened criminals and gorging on chocolate MoonPies, or
b) A smart Southern bride-to-be who channels her negative emotions into six-figure book deals and heart-to-heart talks with Katie Couric.

3. Who do you want to throttle the most?
a) A supposedly enlightened, educated, intelligent guy who won't foster intimacy with anyone who actually cares about him, and refuses to crawl out of a pit of self-pity and despair, and just generally acts like he's a lead character in a novel written by a sadistic French existentialist, or
b) A meth addict who's sleeping with his wife's best friend and his best friend's wife, or
c) Tom Cruise.

Answer Key: 1. b, 2. a, 3. c

Next week: Of course I'm watching "Blow Out" and "Kept" and "Strip Search"! What do you take me for, a self-respecting, healthy human with better ways to spend her time?

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