Of wife beaters and cheaters and burrito eaters
As you well know, the spirit of emptiness is immortal. That's why I watch "The O.C." But I'm still pissed that the cute little red-headed girl who Ryan fell in like with had to flee Orange County, Anna-style, just so she could make it over to CBS's "Spring Break Shark Attack"(!) in time. How could Lindsay forsake the fabulous O.C. for some filthy, made-for-TV bit of shark porn, featuring the two things Americans love to watch the most: scary sharks, and babes in bikinis that barely cover their asses. Best of all, of course, is scary sharks taking big, juicy bites out of those barely covered asses on a Sunday night. Yums!

So now Ryan is forced to don a wife beater and romance the stone again, the stone being, of course, bony, saucer-eyed alien Marissa, who was oh-so-much more fetching as a lesbian. But aren't all saucer-eyed aliens much more fetching as lesbians? Take, for example, Michelle/Michael, the no-neck monster of "America's Next Top Model," who, upon declaring her gayness for all the world to hear, suddenly became, as Miss Tyra would put it, fierce.

Sadly, Marissa's gayness was just an elaborate prank, designed to piss off her shallow, pouty mommy, Julie Cooper, who has big problems of her own, now that her trashy ex-boyfriend has emerged, "Dynasty"-style, with cheesy porn tapes starring Julie herself. Nitpick alert: Why the hell was her bad porno, supposedly shot in the '80s, called "The Porn Identity"? I don't remotely care about such details typically, but this was just a lazy, sloppy choice the likes of which I cannot abide, particularly given the normally sharp wits of "The O.C.'s" writers.

Ah, but the sharper the knife, the easier it is to dull, no? And the more self-righteous the hot mommy, the easier she is to seduce, too. Check out Kirsten, whose face had almost hardened into a permanent scowl thanks to Kim Delaney's guest role as Sandy's long-lost love, returned from the dead. Look who's flirting with disaster now, my beloved breakfast burritos! It sure looks like Carter's got a breakfast burrito in his pants with Kirsten's name on it.

Springtime in Orange County, yes ma'am! No matter how silly and repetitive this show gets, I still love it dearly. I wouldn't go so far as to call it beautiful, though, since when people see things as beautiful, ugliness is created.

The Tao of TV
Even the finest TV program is not the Tao itself.
Even the finest copy of the finest TV program is insufficiently fine.
Without little red-headed girls, "The O.C." can be found wanting,
Without Alma Garret, Bullock's breakfast burritos
Will go untasted.
To conduct one's life according to the History Channel
is to drive a Hummer and obsess about the Nazis;
Do not let the cow-eyed boy of life
unman you!
Hear me, pistachio rhubarb trifles!
Like Faye Dunaway scolding
Those giggling whores of "The Starlet,"
Sink your razor-sharp shark teeth
Into the plump, juicy asslet of life!

Next week: "Robot Chicken" may just be savory enough to make savory chicken cutlets with, singlehandedly saving "Adult Swim" from bland, not-quite-funny boy fare!

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