Surrender to history!
9 a.m. My day o' history begins! The first show of the day is called "Modern Marvels," an episode called "Big Rigs of Combat: Jeeps." Not incredibly exciting, but the whole point of the day is to yield my mind to history completely. After all, I never did that in school, and that is why, I suspect, my knowledge of history has so many holes in it. Today, I courageously abandon myself to History!

9:06 a.m. "Elite Panzers and Stuka bombers sliced through Europe, reinforced by the swift and revolutionary reconnaissance car, the Kübelwagen!" "Kübelwagen" means "bucket car," which is based on a Volkswagen chassis. Here's footage of Hitler driving a VW bug past cheering crowds. Gee, I wonder why the Volkswagen marketing team doesn't include that footage in its new campaign? Hitler parades by to the tune of ELO's "Mr. Blue Sky"...

9:18 a.m. OK, this is a show about Jeeps. I'm bored. "The powerful engine, a Continental Y4112 gave the BRC the unprecedented ability to tow nearly half of its own weight." Who is this for, retired mechanics?

9:49 a.m. Snore. Eventually the Jeep was replaced by the Humvee. It's wider, which helps on rough terrain, but not so much on the streets of L.A., where the behemoths, driven by the sorts of people who watch this sort of war-gadgetry porn while fondling themselves, clog up the works.

9:55 a.m. Here's Todd Eberhard, private Humvee owner (see also: paid Humvee spokesmodel) to tell us all about the fabulous features of the Humvee, most of which are utterly useless unless you're a paid assassin in the Sahara. Eberhard (yes, that's really his name) says the Humvee can drive in really deep water! Cue triumphant music -- the Humvee led a "modern cavalry charge" into Kuwait!

9:58 a.m. "But when Arnold Schwarzenegger expressed interest in purchasing a Humvee, the radical new vehicle caught on with the public." Good job, bozo! Now he has five of them, Eberhard breathlessly reports. Together, they burn enough fuel to heat a small town in Alaska for a week.

9:59 a.m. "As long as men continue to fight wars, victory will belong to those... who can move!" No kidding. I would've figured victory would rest firmly in the hands of the infirm and the immobilized.

10:05 a.m. Another episode of "Modern Marvels." This one is about -- gasp! -- oil.

10:07 a.m. I'm in pain. Maybe I should check what's coming up next, just so I know that there's relief in sight.

10:08 a.m. Let's see. 11 a.m.-noon, "Modern Marvels." Noon-1 p.m., "Modern Marvels." 1-2 p.m., "Modern Marvels." It's a daylong 'Modern Marvels" marathon! I'm out.

The next day, I tried again. After two hours of shows about World War II, I broke down and checked the schedule again. The entire day was focused on Nazis and war machines, with just one hour at the end dedicated to King Tut's tomb.

Here's my new question: Why don't they just call it the War Channel? Or better yet, the Bore Channel.

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