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Tuesday, Nov 24, 2009
Hummers, hungry sharks, copycats and corsets! Little red-headed girls and cow-eyed boys! Plus: Enduring the atrocities of the War Channel.
Mar 21, 2005 | Taking no action
I watch TV for a living. I know that makes me vile and reprehensible. I can accept that. In fact, a little-known ancient Taoist text clearly asserts that accepting one's own vile and reprehensible nature is the fastest, most efficient route to getting in touch with one's divinity. I know that doesn't sound like a Taoist text -- the Taoists don't generally talk about shortcuts or doing stuff quickly -- but, as I said, it's a little known Taoist text, one that's made up entirely of bullet points. Yes, it's just a long, Taoist bullet list. And the really important bullet points have cute little icons to the left of them, like little thumbs with strings tied around them, to signify "Super Important! Don't forget!"
In fact -- and I'm betting you don't know this -- some of these earliest Taoist tales were originally written on flashcards, which the Taoists would use to grill their young children with. It's true. The front would say "To acknowledge one's ignorance..." and the back would say "shows strength of personality." If they didn't know the answer, they'd get smacked upside the head.
What's interesting is that this Taoist passage is often cited as an ancient warning against the consumption of too much media:
Through sight, the colors may be seen,
but too much color blinds us.
Apprehending the tones of sound,
too much sound might make us deaf,
and too much flavor deadens taste.
When hunting for sport, and chasing for pleasure,
the mind easily becomes perplexed.
He who collects treasures for himself
more easily becomes anxious.
That sounds about right, doesn't it? Strangely enough, though, the most common translations of this passage are utterly incorrect. Recently, scholars have determined that the more accurate translation of the text is something like this:
With the wide range of consumer A.V. equipment available,
You may never have to leave the house again!
But don't turn the color saturation up too high.
Surround sound rules,
but too much woofer and not enough tweeter sucks ass.
When leaving the house,
the mind easily becomes exhausted.
Only he who has Thai food delivered
can truly relax.
Such soothing words! It's truly a travesty that the other, less accurate translation has been circulating for so long. Luckily, organizations like the Taoist Restoration Society have embraced the restored text and are currently outfitting their outreach centers with 32-inch plasma TVs and high-end home-theater sound systems. They're also undergoing a widespread marketing blitz, image makeover, and brand-awareness campaign, with ads set to run during March Madness with their new slogan, "Tao: Tear it Up!"
Don't forget infinity! Super important!
Even though any Taoist worth his weight in mango sticky rice knows that knowledge is way overrated, he would still have to agree that those who don't learn history are doomed to repeat it -- and they won't even know that they're repeating it, because they never learned it in the first place. Ouch!
History is muy importante, cheese pufflets. And just because I get paid to sit on my ass, passively consuming the worst that the small tube has to offer, doesn't mean that I don't try to challenge myself in many ways. In fact, I love a good challenge... particularly one that involves watching a lot of TV.
That's why I've always wanted to know how much history a person could learn by watching the History Channel for 12 hours in a row. My ever inquisitive intellect -- more commonly distracted by such pressing questions as, Just how tall is Adam Brody? and, Which is better, pears in cherry gel, or peaches in strawberry gel? -- pondered this question relentlessly, until finally I took action. Much as taking action went against every Taoist bone in my Taoist body, I also knew that no progress would be made without concrete research!
And so, last Wednesday, my dog and I settled in for a long, grueling day with the History Channel. Here's the play-by-play from that fateful day:
