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Tuesday, Nov 24, 2009
Escandalo! Hot lesbian teens on "The O.C."! Kelly and Ashlee lip-sync pop and pop pills on MTV! Plus: Fonzie thrills and monkey meat ills!
Feb 7, 2005 | Un escándalo de lesbianas!
The headline screamed at me from the magazine stand in the airport gift shop: "Un escándalo de lesbianas!" Luckily, it was screaming in Spanish, so I didn't understand what it was saying.
But the red-hot picture of Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek told a story all its own. "Lesbianas!" I whispered to myself. "Muy caliente!" And thanks to the wonders of Photoshop, there they were, facing each other, looking slightly embarrassed, yet mischievous! Pero las lesbianas son siempre furtivo, no?
Could it be that sneaky lesbians are all the rage these days? Could this lesbian trend be hot enough to snare A-list Latinas Penelope and Salma in its web?
It's not a genuine trend until it's a subplot on "The O.C." Yes, friends, Orange County: Land of the escándalo. And last week, Marissa (she's the tall, baby-faced, hot one) started to get a little crush on Seth's former crush, the street-wise but angelic Alex (I like how they took a Malibu Barbie type and dyed her hair purple in one spot. See? She's totally punk, dude.).
Of course, we're meant to believe that Marissa's only planning a recreational muff-diving expedition to piss off her mean mommy. Everything Marissa does is just another way of lashing out, see? Thus does she swig vodka from a flask, sleep with the gardener, blink her doe eyes at a modern-day Deborah Harry. God forbid that she simply likes to drink and screw hot Latin men and make kissy with fit little punker girls.
Isn't it possible that, every now and then, las lesbianas just like each other and have no interest in stirring up un escándalo?
Ashlee Ashlee, puddin' 'n' pie
Either way, today's escándalo is tomorrow's crappy reality sitcom, brought to you by the good people of MTV.
Remember how Ashlee Simpson was caught singing along with a pre-recorded vocal track on "Saturday Night Live" last fall? Well, last week on "The Ashlee Simpson Show," we got to see Ashlee's reaction to that queasy incident.
"I've worked so hard for what I have, and because of one silly moment, it might be over," she solemnly told the camera. "If my career is over because of this, that's sad."
Indeed, the world is a crazy, mixed-up place if a single TV show can rip a girl's pop stardom right out of her hands ... even if another TV show gave it to her in the first place.
Later, Ashlee called in to "TRL" and prattled on about swollen vocal cords and severe acid reflux to a fraudience of screaming girls. Not surprisingly, the more time Ashlee spends in the spotlight, the more disingenuous and flinchy she seems.
Perhaps in an effort to counterbalance said flinchiness, Ashlee performed some shows at high schools in Pennsylvania and sounded, well, a little uneven, particularly during one performance where her guitarist's instrument wasn't tuned properly. "That was horrible," Ashlee grumbled as she retreated to her van. Still, I did love the show she gave for that crowd of lesbianas dressed up like Catholic school girls for Halloween. That looked like a pretty swingin' event!
Oh -- wait. Those were actual Catholic school girls? How can they walk around dressed like that without everyone thinking that they're on their way to a Frederick's of Hollywood photo shoot? Their schools could make a lot of money by hiring teams of students out for private men's events. That's the kind of high-stakes fundraising that puts door-to-door Christmas card sales to shame.
