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Friday, Nov 27, 2009
The unstoppable "CSI" franchise plots another spinoff for the fall. Just one question: Is this an investigative drama or a screwball comedy?
Mar 3, 2004 | Words to the wise: Never leave spent bullets lying around, because if a hurricane were to blow through, the winds could hurl a bullet through your neck and kill you. Always keep your dog away from firearms unless you want him to shoot your head off. Never siphon gas from your jet ski and then make a call on your cellphone, or the spark from the phone might cause you to explode from the inside out. And if you ever decide to wear a big gray raccoon suit, make sure not to drive out to the country, or a local farmer might mistake you for a coyote and shoot you.
Such cautionary measures might seem excessive to some, but viewers of the very educational and informative "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation" and its cousin "CSI: Miami" recognize that death lurks around every corner, and if your crazy boss doesn't kill you, and your boyfriend's envious ex-wife only manages to maim you, then a hungry shark is almost certain to finish you off.
Horatio: "Please don't hurt my baby." That's what she said on the tape! "Please don't hurt my baby!" Pleading... pleading for the life of her child!
Alexx: An unplanned child.
Horatio: The child may have been unplanned, Alexx, but the murder wasn't!
It was only a matter of time before the slickness of the Hollywood blockbuster trickled down to the small screen. If you can't beat the gritty realism of "NYPD Blue" and "Law and Order," why not replace reality with pure fantasy? Swap out the hand-held cameras for sweeping aerial shots, CGI effects and sepia-toned ultra-close-ups. Replace the bluesy theme song with a classic rock anthem by the Who. Trade in those domestic disputes and drug-related crimes for complicated murder mysteries involving dominatrixes, bank heists, evil magicians, incest, grocery store massacres and fallen porn stars. Most importantly, substitute those subtly shaded characters with steely eyed leads who'll growl their Schwarzenegger-style one-liners with conviction.
Who else but Jerry Bruckheimer could make working at a crime lab look like a head-spinning rock 'n' roll fantasy? The flashy, fast-paced formula may not produce believable stories, but this little detail seems to concern the average viewer about as much as it concerns the average blockbuster-movie-goer: With 25-30 million viewers each week, "CSI" is the highest-rated drama on television and the third-most-popular program overall, behind the two weekly "American Idol" episodes. And, in a testament to the enduring popularity of the CSI brand, "CSI: Miami," which debuted in 2002, is currently ninth overall in the ratings, and "CSI: New York," starring Gary Sinise, is set to launch next fall. With such rapid expansion and popularity, "CSI" seems to slowly be replacing "Law and Order" as the dominant crime franchise.
Pretty impressive, for one of the silliest shows on television. While "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation" compiles lurid subjects, absurd twists and lots of swagger into a tawdry mess that manages to entertain as long as you're not paying too much attention, "CSI: Miami" is a tangle of over-the-top stories that only clumsily mimics the original show.
Alexx: [to the dead body of a bikini-clad female] Welcome to spring break. How'd this happen, sugar? All you wanted was a week of fun in the sun. Good times, hangin' out with your friends...
Horatio: Should've been the time of her life, Alexx. [Puts on sunglasses] Instead of the end of it!
The opening scenes of "CSI: Miami" have swiftly joined the ranks of the cheesiest moments in television history. Each time medical examiner Alexx Woods (Khandi Alexander) leans over the corpse du jour and coos her sincerest sympathies, and Horatio Caine (David Caruso) slips on his sunglasses and growls his angry one-liner, you can almost hear Tattoo yelling "De plane!" or Hannibal from "The A-Team" saying, "I love it when a plan comes together."
But the stories each week top the absurdity of such exchanges, and by a long shot. On one episode, a husband and wife are fleeing a hurricane when a dead body hits their windshield -- a surfer who was thrown out of the ocean and onto their car. During his investigation of the surfer's death, Horatio discovers a man living next door to the couple impaled on an iron fence in his backyard. Horatio bravely holds the man's hand as he dies, then tries to determine what happened. Eventually we learn that the husband in the car went next door to get his ladder back from his neighbor, who was boarding up his windows. The husband was annoyed and needed his ladder, so naturally he ripped the ladder out from under the neighbor, causing the neighbor to fall and become impaled on the fence. Instead of calling 911, the husband took his ladder and left the neighbor to bleed to death, then got in the car with his wife, at which point the dead surfer hit his windshield. What are the odds?
Who cares, as long as the soundtrack is bumping?
