The Bachelorette weds!
Which brings us right to the Matching Hottie Wedding of the Year. Not surprisingly, after two full hours of such compelling segments as "Matching Hotties Pick Out Invitations," and "Matching Hotties Become Teary-Eyed As Film Crews Attempt To Stir Up Controversy, Thereby Entirely Ruining Matching Hottie Bachelor Parties," Trista and Ryan were ready for a long, drawn-out, mind-blowingly dull made-for-TV wedding.

Why do people want to watch weddings on TV? Aren't real weddings bad enough? With a real wedding, you know the people involved, plus they feed you good food and strong drinks. Who wants to see strangers get married on TV, even if they look pretty doing it? Sure, I feel like I know Trista and Ryan by now, having watched Trista get rejected by Metrosexual Alex on the first season of "The Bachelor," then having witnessed her discovery of the perfect blend of good looks and bad poetry in Ryan on "The Bachelorette." I know them ooohh so well, and they both bore the living crap out of me.

Let's face it, I'm an absolute bottom-dweller when it comes to this stuff, but this event, which was custom-made for that unholy cross section of American life -- the wedding-fixated, the reality-TV fixated, the stupidity-fixated -- was not only absurdly flaccid and pointless, even to me, but arguably some of the the least entertaining hours of programming ever broadcast on network TV.

There's no way to capture how deeply bad this whole event was. Every wedding cliché was in full effect. The chairs and the tablecloths and the bridesmaids' dresses and the flowers were all different shades of vomit-inducing pink. Pachelbel's "Canon" went on endlessly; the musicians, supposedly costing several hundred thousand dollars, utterly uninspired. The drone of helicopters could be heard throughout the entire ceremony. Every few minutes of the endless broadcast, the host whispered that it was "the biggest wedding of the decade." The ceremony seemed to go on for decades. Scary Trista was clearly thrilled to be at the center of this disaster, flashing her cute-girl, wrinkle-nosed smile every few seconds, and poor Ryan actually seemed to think it was romantic. Every aspect of the event felt false. Even the minister announced "We have a wonderful moment!" introducing part of the ceremony like a circus barker.

The only notable moment came when Trista was walking down the aisle with her dad, and he said to her, "This was my dream, to watch Ryan watch you!" Naughty daddy!

I get a kick out of the worst garbage on TV, but just thinking about this program honestly makes me feel sick. I hope to God you're reading this because you were wise enough to avoid it. If you taped it -- please, don't do it. If I save just one person from the pain of witnessing the horror of "Trista and Ryan's Wedding," I'll know that I didn't suffer in vain.

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