Episode 5:

Pagong is still eating rats, and apparently saddened by having to dump Ramona in the last episode. Morale dips, except for Greg and Colleen, who are apparently humping like monitor lizards in the woods. "At this point, it's all about sex," Colleen tells the camera. With presidential language, Greg refuses to admit to the affair.

A smiling Jeff Probst announces a special prize competition and passes out weapons that look like props stolen off the set of "The Beach." Alas, the competition is mishap-free: The two teams use the blowguns and slingshots to shoot fruit and clay pots instead of one another. (Sigh.) Probst promises the winning team a basket of goodies and a mystery food source. In the final round of the winner-take-all contest Pagong's Joel hits the bull's-eye of a large target with a spear. He's the hero of the day! Pagong walks off with two baskets of fruit and three live chickens. They name them Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner.

Tagi isn't eating so well. Bible-thumbing Dirk and Dr. Sean can't catch a fish to save their souls, and Richard, the pleasingly plump corporate trainer, is bringing in nasty-tasting eels with his spear. Sue is hunting tapioca roots in the woods. Apparently the rice is running out. Every establishing shot of wild birds or dangerous snakes seems a portent for an icky food scene. (CBS's next hit: "What People Will Eat for Money.") Dirk is losing a lot of weight, and talks about reserving energy between his prayer breaks. The Susan-Kelly-Richard voting bloc seems to have lost interest in jettisoning Sean, who was ridiculed for playing in the sand on the last show.

The immunity challenge is fairly simple. Each team has to pick one person to row out into the ocean and pick up "shipwrecked" survivors. The first boat to pick up everyone and get back doesn't have to toss a member. Tagi chooses Kelly, the river rafting guide. Gervase -- who doesn't like the water, remember -- goes in for Pagong. He sits back into the boat and, for the first time, comes through in the clutch, easily beating Tagi. Kelly is pissed that she got beat by a guy who can't even swim.

At tribal council, Probst again betrays information gathered behind the backs of the players. With the whole team assembled, he asks Richard about how team alliances have come into play. Lying straight into the camera -- and to his teammates -- Richard deflects the probe and pretends that his secret alliance with Susan and Kelly didn't exist. Brrrrr. The alliance, of course, does exist, and Bible-thumbing Dirk is martyred. In his final words in front of the camera, Dirk thanks God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, and says he's gonna go party.

Meanwhile, back in the real world, CBS talk shows are milking "Survivor." Dirk shows up on Letterman wearing a sarong, and Dave flattens him with mockery.

(J.S.)

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