Episode 12, continued:

Afterward, all five dip in the ocean. Kelly and Sue groom each other like bathing monkeys. They're friends again. We're treated to proof in a quick clip of Kelly popping a zit on Sue's back, a shot grosser than the worm-eating contest.

Tiki Jeff, the host, picks Kelly up later that night in a boat. In a blindfold, she's led to the mysterious bar. There's a neon light calling it the "Survivor Bar," which suggests it was built for the occasion. Jeff orders some beer by its brand name. Kelly's game for the sponsor's brew, but she really wants food.

Kelly and Jeff chat a bit. Kelly talks with her mouth full. Jeff tries to appear interested. She gets off one great line: "We're not evil, we just play bad people on TV." We're not buying it.

The next morning, Kelly and Sue agree to be civil. Sue can afford to -- she knows the alliance is going to vote Kelly off the island first chance it gets. Meanwhile, Dr. Sean muses about the next vote. "I'm winning this thing, the whole show," he says. His plan is to win the immunity challenge. If that doesn't work, he's going to try to "read people." Could it be? Yes, we're pretty certain: Amazingly, he still doesn't realize that Rich, Rudy and Sue have a pact. He's doomed.

The immunity challenge is an unclever take on the "Blair Witch Project." Rich thinks it's cool. Bwana Jeff sits the players down and tells them five "local" ghost stories and rituals about the jungle. For example, "Malaysian custom says that sacrificing a goat can bring about good luck." The challenge is for each of the castaways to run into the jungle with a video camera. They must find five different masks, each with a question about the bogus mythology written on it, and read the answer into the camera. The first one to get all five answers and all five masks wins immunity.

The actual contest is all shaky cams and silly stories. The producers go after Rudy. The camera follows him as he repeatedly reads a question into the camera and then spaces out on the answer he learned just minutes ago. It's a sad moment for any of us who will be fortunate enough to grow old.

Again, Kelly wins. It's her third win in a row and, again, she's saving herself from certain death.

There's more plotting, but most of it is an obvious red herring. At Tribal Council, with the jury of the dammed looking on, Jeff asks Rich what he thinks the American people with think of him when they see the show. Rich says something about him being some guy who's known what he wanted all along. He has no idea that we all, from David Letterman to the intern at the water cooler, hate him.

Rudy offers that the "whole Atlantic fleet" is behind him. We wonder if Rich is worried. Nope, he reminds Rudy that his military buddies might not like that he made friends with a "homo." "When we're done with this," Rudy says, "I'm going to shake his hand and hope I never see him again." See, the problem with most homophobic people is that they don't know any gay people.

Sue points out that they're all after the money. "It can make life a little easier if you're struggling," she says. We realize that she's thinking a few steps ahead, when she and someone else will have to come up against the jury. Give the money to the truck driver, not the corporate guy, she seems to be saying. For a lying redneck, she's pretty smart.

The anticlimactic vote finally happens. Kelly votes for Sean. Sean, who's been telling us that he's really been working on his strategy, marches up to the camera and tell us that he's voting for Sue "for no particular reason." Idiot. And guess what? His torch goes out at council! Spookiest!

We're not surprised to see him go, only that it didn't happen long ago.

Next week, we'll see the "Survivor" finale and one of the Tagi four walk with all of the money. We don't want any of them to win, but we can't wait to see it happen.

J.S.

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