"Ebony and Ivory"

Having tackled just about every commercial genre in the book, from westerns to war films, iconoclast director Robert Altman is out to subvert the well-worn conventions of the interracial buddy flick. With his latest experiment in improvisation, Altman seems to be making a concerted effort to further alienate all those wayward Oscar voters who snubbed "Gosford Park." How? By casting two of Tinseltown's most gratingly obnoxious actors, Ed Burns and Chris Tucker, as a couple of mismatched secret agents out to expose an elaborate lip-synching scam orchestrated by none other than Enrique Iglesias (playing himself).

Between Burns' intolerable Lawng Island accent and Tucker's exasperating motormouth shtick, test audiences have fled the preview screenings in droves; many complained of permanent auditory damage.

Despite denials from all involved, rumors abound of a tumultuous shoot stemming from Burns' insistence that he rewrite his own dialogue. Of the final script by Academy Award-winner William Goldman, the would-be auteur whines, "It just wasn't up to the standards set by my films 'The Brothers McMullen' and 'She's the One.'" When questioned about the validity of Burns' on-set petulance, Altman said only, "The problem with that kid is that he fancies himself some kind of artist. Well, after seeing his last couple pictures -- all of which look and sound the same to me -- I can tell you that he's as much an artist as I am a goddamn Bush lover."

"The Magnificent Six"

A feminist "reinterpretation" of John Sturges' classic western about a ragtag group of gunfighters who join together to protect a Mexican village targeted by cutthroat bandits. This time around, the roles made famous by macho men Steve McQueen, Charles Bronson, Yul Brynner and James Coburn will be played by Tinseltown's A-list lesbians.

Top-lined by Sapphic poster girl Ellen DeGeneres, the film also stars Melissa Etheridge, Sandra Bernhard and a freshly out Rosie O'Donnell. In a major casting coup, ex-talk show yenta Kathie Lee (Epstein) Gifford stars as the head bandita, an upstart clothing entrepreneur named Coco who kidnaps unsuspecting immigrants and coerces them into working in her suburban sweatshop.

Initially envisioned as an estrogen-soaked shoot-'em-up, "The Magnificent Six" changed direction once übermom O'Donnell came aboard the project. Appalled by all the "unnecessary fighting" and "obscene dirty talk," the self-righteous queen of nice demanded that the pic be edited down to a PG rating so as not to offend her fainthearted fan base. As a result, all scenes involving blood, shooting and swearing were replaced with musical numbers from O'Donnell's favorite Broadway shows, "Cats" and "Funny Lady."

And as for the title change, director Kimberly Peirce ("Boys Don't Cry") explains, "We only need six women to kick the kind of ass that seven men did in the first one. Ultimately, this movie is not so much about action as it is about the triumph and tenacity of the female will."

James Bond in "Die Again ... Twice"

Ever since Pierce Brosnan picked up the coveted mantle of 007, longtime producers Barbara Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson have taken great pains to neuter the world's most beloved martini-guzzling misogynist in an effort to "modernize" him. As if seeing Mr. Bond get in touch with his "inner spy" weren't blasphemous enough, now comes word that MGM has tapped openly gay actor Rupert Everett to replace the departing Brosnan -- a franchise-killing move that has many 007 purists clamoring for the return of George Lazenby.

In defense of Everett, star of "The Next Best Thing" and "Inspector Gadget," an MGM spokesperson says, "Rupert is an extremely versatile and talented actor whose sexuality has absolutely no bearing on his ability to play cinema's quintessential alpha male." Tell that to Internet film geeks like Harry Knowles, who are up in arms over one reputed scene in which Bond is captured by the villainous mastermind Hugo N. Blomee (Sir Ian McKellen) and tortured with a futuristic, overtly phallic contraption that discharges vibratory shockwaves of electricity up his posterior.

While the makers of "Die Again ... Twice" are quick to play down its latent homoeroticism, that still hasn't stopped them from releasing a teaser poster featuring Everett suggestively fondling the nozzle of his Walther PPK.

When reached for comment regarding this provocative change in James Bond's screen persona, devout heterosexual Sean Connery issued the following statement: "If they want to turn him into a f****** queen - what the f*** do I care? Those stupid f****** a******* can kiss my royal Scottish a** for p****** on my legacy."

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