6. It's not the "Special Edition"

In 1997, Lucas re-released the original "Star Wars" trilogy, adding a few minutes to each film and calling each a "Special Edition." If we wait 20 years, perhaps he'll authorize a "Special Edition" of "The Phantom Menace." It would be a pity to ruin our experience of that masterpiece by seeing the current, inferior version.

(Film historians please note: "Star Wars: Episode IV: A New Hope: The Special Edition" (1997) was the first movie ever to be released with three colons in its title.)

7. George Lucas is an opportunistic hack

Here is a list of Lucas' less-distinguished credits culled from the Internet Movie Database:

Executive producer: "The Ewok Adventure" (TV movie, 1984), "Ewoks: The Battle for Endor" (TV movie, 1985), "Droids: The Adventures of R2D2 and CP30" (TV series, 1985), "Ewoks and Droids: Adventure Hour" (TV series, 1986), "Captain Eo" (1986), "Howard The Duck" (1986). Writer: "More American Graffiti," aka "Purple Haze" (1979). Producer: "Jurassic Park 3" (2000).

8. Jar Jar Binks

According to Sam I Am, a fan who sneaked into an exhibitors screening and posted a review on the Ain't It Cool News Web site, the character of Jar Jar Binks is like "all the Ewoks rolled into one." Does this mean we can look forward to "The Jar Jar Binks Adventure"?

9. The episodes are in the wrong order: Part II

Once the saga is complete and the episodes can finally be seen in their correct order, the special effects in Episodes IV, V and VI will look much less sophisticated than those in Episodes I, II and III. This will look very peculiar. In fact, it will be perfectly obvious to even the most dim-witted 4-year-old that the middle section in the saga was made before the first section.

10. George Lucas is evil

Back in the mid-1970s, Lucas was a promising young independent filmmaker who made a conscious decision to make a commercial, mainstream film. After screening "Star Wars" for the first time, Lucas described it as a cross between "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" (1971) and "The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes" (1970).

"I'm going to make five times as much money as Francis on these science-fiction toys and I won't have to make 'The Godfather,'" he boasted to cult filmmaker John Milius. "I've made what I consider the most conventional kind of movie I can possibly make."

In short, Lucas chose the Dark Side of the Force. It wouldn't have mattered if "Star Wars" had tanked, but its record-breaking success steered Hollywood toward the Dark Side as well: Without "Star Wars," we wouldn't have had "Armageddon" (1998).

"'Star Wars' swept all the chips off the table," William Friedkin told Peter Biskind. "What happened with 'Star Wars' was like when McDonald's got a foothold, the taste for good food just disappeared."

George Lucas is Darth Vader. But it's not too late to fight back. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, a small rebel force managed to blow up the Death Star. Let's start by exorcising "The Phantom Menace."

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