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Tuesday, Nov 24, 2009
The castaways went to Pulau Tiga and we didn't even get a crummy action figure. When are the pop-crap purveyors going to deliver the goods?
Jul 5, 2000 | Here we are, almost halfway through the 13-week run of "Survivor" and I can't help wondering -- where the heck is the merchandise? I mean, for a monster hit show that everybody in America is supposedly hooked on, "Survivor" has very little promotional swag to show for itself. Come on, CBS, this phenomenon ain't gonna last forever. It's got maybe five minutes of popularity left before the early adopters abandon it in favor of the next big reality thing, "Big Brother." (It debuts Wednesday.) And then they'll move on to "Funny Europeans in Their Underwear" or "How Much Will You Pay Me to Eat This Hamster?" or something, and you'll never get them back. As for the rest of us, how will we know when it's time to be sick of "Survivor" if the shelves of every Wal-Mart aren't overflowing with cheesy tie-ins? Cheesy tie-ins are our cue! Surely the marketing wizards who brought us Anakin Skywalker toothpaste and Jar-Jar cookie jars are up to this new challenge. So let's go, people! Let's crack this coconut open and milk it for all it's worth!
"Survivor" action figures Hey, kids! Now you can experiment with Darwinian theory right in your own backyard with these cool, poseable Tagi and Pagong tribal action figures! Richard comes complete with combable chest hair and amazingly lifelike jiggly paunch! Susan has two faces, just like in real life -- turn her smiling head around to reveal her hidden devious sneer! Make Ramona lie very, very still! (Pepto-Bismol sold separately.) And don't forget Dirk! Pull his string and he recites 30 different Bible passages! Don't let your friends kick you off the island! Be better than them! Have more toys! Buy these action figures today!
Puffa Puffa Lice A-new-a, a-now-a, Kellogg's beloved island-themed rice cereal from the '60s returns in a special "Survivor" flavor! Jumbo puffed-up lice is covered with the sweet goodness of freshly hacked tapioca root and sprinkled with big wiggly beetle larvae! It's an important part of a castaway's breakfast!
The Official "Survivor" BB Gun His Pagong teammates voted him off the island in the second episode for being an ill-tempered old coot, but B.B.'s old-fashioned values live on in this fun, authentic, character-building 1940s BB gun! B.B. sez: "Back then, we didn't have any of this fancy Pokimon crap to play with. We had guns! And they shot real pellets, by cracky! We'd go out by the railroad tracks and drill the bejesus out of tin cans and pigeons, and one day Billy O'Shaughnessy put out Dinky Wizniewski's eye by accident, but Dinky was no sissy cry-baby -- he just picked up his eye and put it in his pocket and kept right on shooting at a hobo! He didn't go running off to Tribal Council to tattletale on Billy! No, siree Bob! Those guns were dangerous, dag nab it, and we liked it!" You will, too!
