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Monday, Nov 23, 2009
Dear Mr. Blue,
I'm a young woman living alone in New York, unemployed since last fall when I lost my job as an illustrator at a major dot-com when its IPO failed to happen. I am struggling along on unemployment, sending résumés hither and thither with no success, missing my family, feeling lonely in the big city, despite my friendships. My attempts at dating have been pretty laughable and now I'm wondering if I should take my penniless self off to start somewhere else. Chicago? St. Louis? Miami? I'm tired of this inertia, both professional and personal. Tired and a little scared. What do you think?
Hate Being Whiny
Dear Hate,
You're not whiny, you're brave and resourceful and seem pretty well-balanced, and yes, by all means take yourself out of New York. It's a big country, the U.S. of A., and you don't want to get depressed, trapped in a tiny apartment that starts to smell of failure and rejection. You can go back to New York in 10 years when you're a big shot, but right now it's a good idea to find a new milieu. Soon as the unemployment runs out, cobble together a nest egg, and go west, young woman.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I am a gay man, 31, with a nice career and a comfortable life in the big city, living with a great guy, 25, who is bright, beautiful, funny, silly, a great lover and loyal. I have no doubt of his love, and that's a first for me.
The problem? We have little in common. I am from a very large family (nine siblings, all with kids and spouses) and he is from a small family, mostly estranged, far away. I thrive in a crowd; he prefers to be alone or with one or two people. Being Irish, I enjoy a bout of drinking now and then; if he has one drink, he's a fall-down drunk. I love the movies, he doesn't. He has a terrible fear of heights; I love roller coasters and want to try skydiving. He loves Starbucks; I hate it. I love to play billiards and card games with family and friends; these things are boring to him. He loves going to the beach and hanging out in the sun; being Irish, if I spend too long at the beach, I spend the next week in sunburn hell.
I'm worried about what kind of life we can build together, and if that means a slow estrangement from those people and things that I love. His reaction to my family has been lukewarm: He says he doesn't know how to handle a family dynamic this complex.
I'm afraid to let him go. I'm pretty certain I'll never find anyone better. But I just can't see us building a life that can keep us both happy. Are we doomed, wise one?
Paddy in Love
Dear Paddy,
There's only one real issue here and that's how to fit your partner into your family. All the other stuff about heights and Starbucks and the beach is small potatoes, and any couple on earth could write up a list of differences as impressive as yours. The crucial thing is your family, which to your lover is probably more like a strange fraternal lodge than a family, with mystifying rites and symbols and a whole secret language of glances and nods and throat clearings, and it takes time to induct the lad into this great Hibernian tumult. Lukewarm? I would be terrified for my life in such a mob. So he's doing pretty well if he's able to be in their company for a few hours at a time. Be grateful for that, enjoy your life and don't sweat the small stuff. Give up billiards, learn to like Starbucks, take a big umbrella to the beach, give the lad a root beer and ride the roller coaster by your own self.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I got a big crush on this woman a few years ago and we've dated off and on since, but she keeps getting cold feet and calling it off. I really like her, and everything seems great; we're that couple that disgusts all the jaded persons around -- just way too happy looking. Then, out of the blue, she calls it off again, saying she just didn't feel romantic enough to be involved. We've done this I don't know how many times. We are attracted to each other. We go out on dates and it's very comfortable and close and enjoyable. But when it seems to get too close, she disappears, only to come back a week or two later. I can't figure out her motive. Sometimes I want to ask her what is really going on, and sometimes I feel like I should just let this play out its natural course, and then, there are times when I want to just forget about her and the whole thing. Any advice?
Really Confused
Dear Really,
Bring some plain clarity to the situation and decide that you and she are friends, not lovers, and that the road to romance is simply not open to you. There's a tree down and you keep running into it. You can enjoy her company as a pal -- have dinner together, take hikes, ride bikes, listen to your blues CDs or whatever -- but without the cellos and oboes throbbing underneath.
