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Monday, Nov 23, 2009
Dear Mr. Blue,
I moved to this country with my family when I was 15, half my age now. While many people I know compliment me on how slight my accent is, I often come across those who at first speaking with me ask me where I am from. I often respond with, do you mean where do I live or what I am? They mean no disrespect, but it makes me feel like a new arrival, a foreigner, a stranger. I'm a successful journalist, happily married to an American man, and in my everyday life don't think of my "foreignness" frequently. I feel rather at home in this country and have no plans to go back to my native land. Those questions always throw me off. Often the question is followed by, "Where in your native country were you raised? Are you a good cook of your native food?" Sometimes I just want to think of me as another American. This is especially hard when I'm on the job, and my interview subjects turn the tables on me. Is there a good way to respond that isn't rude?
Accented
Dear Accented,
The native-born are fascinated by foreignness, especially we in the big flat part in the middle, especially those of us who haven't traveled much, and when we ask, "Where are you from?" it's pure curiosity. Small talk. And curiosity is not easily stifled. We honestly wouldn't wish you to rid yourself of that accent. It isn't a problem for us. If anything, it's a social asset. We attribute greater intelligence to the accented, and greater sexuality, and a woman with a slight accent has an ace up her sleeve. You're an American and of course you don't feel foreign inside, nobody does, but you have this interesting past -- interesting to some of us -- and it begs acknowledgement. I have a friend from Poland and another from Hungary; the first has an accent and arrived here around the age of 16, the second has no accent and came when he was 12. So maybe the age of puberty is the determining factor. But I like them both very much and enjoy their company. And being their friend, I never ask them where they are from, because I know.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I am the father of three teenage boys and am horrified by the inroads made by gangster rap in their lives, the filthy language, the contempt for women, the casual references to violence. This is a nice home in which we listen to public radio and have thousands of books and intend our children to go to college and learn to appreciate the finer things. I know enough not to be a censor but good God, this stuff is ugly. What can a father do?
In Pain
Dear In Pain,
Your boys are slumming and they have no more interest in ghetto gangster life than blues fans have in hopping a freight to the Delta and picking cotton. They're fascinated by the alien and maybe they enjoy sticking the music in your face. So get it out of your face, for starters. It's your home. Tell them they can listen to whatever they want to in their own space but not around you. And then take a good hard look at how much time you spend with them individually and how close your relationship with each boy is. Kids can get lost in our busy lives and drift away and they need to be recovered. Gangster rap is the music of fatherless young men asserting their masculinity, having no real idea what that is. Don't let your boys be fatherless.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I am a woman, 28, the first one in my family to go to college and leave that little town I grew up in, and for the past five years, I've been living in Europe and have changed immensely from the girl I was before. I enjoy my life, have a fantastic career and a wonderful partner who just happens to be fairly wealthy. I go visit my family twice a year and love to be with them but also am overwhelmed by the differences and am relieved to leave my parent's loud, crammed, kitschy house, to go back to our sleek, modern apartment in Europe. It is my home now.
My problem is this: My parents are visiting me for the first time ever. While I am so excited to see them and show them around Europe, I am afraid that they will be overwhelmed with the way I live. They will see how drastically different my place is from theirs, and perhaps feel ashamed. My boyfriend's family wants to have them over for dinner and wine -- my parents have only ever drunk cheap beer! It will surely be one of those "Pretty Woman"-like moments, with them not knowing which fork to use. I am not embarrassed by my parents -- I could truly never be! And I'm not afraid of how my partner or his family will react to them. I am afraid of how my parents will react to all this MONEY. How can I show them that, despite my living a continent away, with a completely different lifestyle, I love and respect them more than anyone else on this planet?
Yuppie in Europe
Dear Yuppie,
You sure make me curious about how you two live over there -- are we talking gold faucets and mink bathrobes? Wolfhounds? A butler named Helmut? I think your parents can probably handle sleek & modern. I think they can deal with wine, but your boyfriend's family could have a six-pack of Miller Lite on hand, just in case, and serve it in NFL glasses. As for love and respect, that's something you communicate directly in your manner and your small talk and all the other little ways, and you'd do it the same way if you were living at the Ritz or residing in prison on a six-to-10 for forgery. But look around at your apartment and if you're embarrassed to have your parents see you living in it, find a small, crammed, kitschy apartment and trade with the occupants for a couple weeks and learn to like cheap beer.
