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Monday, Nov 9, 2009
Dear Mr. Blue,
My husband and I are friends with another couple in their early 30s who seem to be a normal married couple, but one night the woman told me that she and her husband don't have sex anymore. She wants it; he says she's unattractive and it's her fault that he doesn't want it. Consequently, they have sex about two times a year. He refuses to go to a doctor or a psychologist or a marriage counselor. I'm floored by this. I couldn't live with a man who said I was unattractive. The woman always wants to discuss this with me. I find myself becoming angry at both of them. I want to shake her and scream, "You're too young to resign yourself to biannual sex! Leave him! You'd be so much better without him!" But, in the interest of being a good friend, I stifle myself. Should I be giving advice like the above? Should I tell her that I really don't feel comfortable discussing it when she brings it up? What to do, what to do?
Baffled
Dear Baffled,
I'm in favor of frankness in this case. The woman confided in you and, though you'd rather not know what you know, you should feel free to speak your mind. Frankness is good for friendship: It weeds out puny friendships and strengthens the healthy ones. Tell her what you think and let that be the end of it and don't think about it anymore.
Dear Mr. Blue,
You and I and everyone else, when presented with a hopeless situation and asked for advice, advise the asker to cut her losses, move on, develop other interests, etc. We say this because, the situation being hopeless, there's nothing to be done except look forward to that time when we no longer care so much, and hope it will come soon. But do you really believe we can change what we feel?
Three Years Later and I Still Want Him Back
Dear Three,
Yes, we can change our feelings. Sometimes at a glacial pace, but change is possible. Box up the letters and put them in deep storage, and start flirting with interesting other men, and the Dearly Beloved will fade. Clinging to a hopeless situation is not the sign of a healthy, inquiring mind. And when we change our circumstances, our feelings follow.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I have been married, more or less happily, for 20-plus years to a man I love and who adores me. I like my life simple and it has not been that for a while. Most of my friends have always been men. Sometimes there was a mutual attraction but never have I acted on it. But for the last few years I have had a close friend with whom I have developed more than just a friendship. A few months ago we very nearly consummated our feelings. I could not do it because I knew that ultimately everyone involved would be hurt. He seems to have moved past this but I am still in love with him. I really don't want to remove him from my life; I like him and he has two children that I truly love. But I need an unbiased opinion. Do I end the friendship, or do I bite the bullet and hang in there hoping that the feelings I have will eventually fade?
Torn
Dear Torn,
Removing him from your life might only exacerbate these romantic feelings and turn an ordinary nice guy into the Distant Unattainable True Love and Light of Your Life. You know how it is. I think these romantic outbursts can be harnessed and doused with cold water and calmed down and that life can go on. But you may need to move him to another corner of your life, a more casual corner, and find a trustworthy friend who you can tell what has happened to you.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I am writing my first novel and am pleased with it so far, after about 9,000 words, and am thinking about showing it to a woman friend who asked to read what I had written so far. I am tempted to let her. I value her opinion. What is proper? Does an author let friends read a first draft? Second draft? I would hope for constructive criticisms and encouragement, but I have been burned in the past. How do I know if I am on the right track if I keep it under wraps?
Fragile Ego
Dear Fragile,
Don't expect a friend to do hard work and tell you a terrible truth. If you're pleased with these 9,000 words, then go on and write 30,000 more, live in your novel a while longer, and then maybe think about showing her something. But she's not responsible for putting you on track; you are.
