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Friday, Nov 27, 2009
Dear Mr. Blue,
Three years ago, I fell in love with a passionate, caring, brilliant man and we laughed together until our faces hurt. I was showered with love and affection, and he told me that I was his "once in a lifetime."
However, I had never been in a "real" relationship before him (I was 22, he was 24), and I was plagued with insecurity. I didn't realize what I was doing at the time, but I tested his love for me over and over again in little ways. He was stubborn but eventually got tired of being tested and decided to move on. I was devastated.
It's been three years, Mr. Blue. Three years! I've gotten over most of my childish insecurities, but I'm still heartbroken and I still think about him and long for his conversation, his humor, his touch. I know this is all so unhealthy. How do I move on? How do I let go of my memories of how he made me feel? How do I forgive myself for destroying something so special? I'm approaching my 25th birthday, and I want to move forward with my life, but I don't know how.
Still Lovelorn
Dear Still,
Three years! Indeed. Time to get a new hobby, one that makes you happy, and drop this one, which doesn't. You move on by moving on and letting other parts of your life grow, and that will choke off your forlorn feelings. Take up comedy, do good works, devote yourself to friendship, ride your bicycle, get a cat, do what you need to do. And think about what you want to happen to you before you're 30. A Five-Year Plan is called for. Who do you want to be in five years, and where, and how do you get there? You don't need to forgive yourself because you're not to blame: Every love affair is beautifully complicated and involves two people and I don't buy your explanation of how you and the p.c.b. man broke up. You are better off as who you are, without him, than you would be as who you were, with him. As for the memories, they will let go of you as large events and interesting new developments take their place. That's why women resent men who leave them and find someone else and father a child, because a child is a Large Event and the ex knows that Mr. Man no longer pines for her. He doesn't have time.
Dear Mr. Blue,
After a year of nondating, a smart, discerning, attractive, single woman, 34, meets an eccentric, intelligent, kind, divorced (father of three) gentleman, 45, through a mutual friend and is immediately smitten. A date that lasts till morning confirms the attraction. That was over a month ago, a busy time for both parties, phone messages were left, future meetings hinted at. They bump into each other last week, have spontaneous drinks and dinner, cuddle in the park. No word from him since. She is becoming obsessed. What to do? Phone? Send the silly poem she has written about her lust? What could be causing the delay? She remembers his face lighting up when he saw her, the race of her pulse in the park. She wants to avoid courting missteps.
Young and Impatient
Dear Young,
By all means drop him a line and tell him how wonderful that date was and the meeting in the park. Call him and invite him to supper. Send him a small gift. Three unacknowledged messages is the limit, though, so use them wisely.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I have a good friend who was a very good friend of my wife's before my wife and I met. She has let my wife know that she thinks highly of me. And now that she's pregnant, she wants to name her future son after me. I'm flattered, but I'm not sure how to respond. I know that it's quite a compliment, but I've never been comfortable accepting compliments. I want to be polite and to show that I appreciate how much it means. But at what point does acknowledgement of a compliment turn into too much?
Namesake
Dear Namesake,
It's an honor and as with any honor, you accept it. (Unless it's completely bogus, e.g., if you were notified that you're the winner of the Nobel Prize in physics this year and you happen to be only a physical therapist, you'd notify the Swedes right away so as to avoid later embarrassment.) This honor, however, doesn't require your acceptance or anything. You simply return the honor in the form of friendship and become a sort of godfather to the child and you give him a nice present on his birthday every year and as he grows up, you adopt the role of uncle and enjoy being kindly and wise and avuncular. A lovely prospect.
