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Tuesday, Nov 10, 2009
Dear Mr. Blue,
I am currently in a passionate relationship with a young woman I care about very much who lives with her old hippie parents, due to bad financial decisions on her part. Her parents are very open-minded and accepting, but the smell of their house (a lot of pets, cigarette and cigar smoke, plain old dirtiness) is so bad it's nauseating. As you might imagine, this is a difficult subject to broach with my girlfriend. I try to avoid going over there if at all possible. How do I possibly tell her this, without insulting her and her entire family?
Grossed Out
Dear Grossed,
Focus on the passion, forget about doing the social work. When people get funky, it's up to their mothers, or perhaps an older sister, to say, "You smell bad, Moonflower and Earth Spirit. Here's some Lysol. Use it liberally." It's not up to their daughter's boyfriend. He is only a guest and a suspect one at that, a potential thief of the daughter's innocence and happiness, a home wrecker, a rounder, one who must be watched carefully. If you put in your two cents' worth about the Rainbow Family's hygiene, you will find yourself out the door and flat on your keister. Avoid going there.
I'm married, mid-40s, with one daughter and what looks like a good life, except it's not. In 15 years of marriage my wife has changed a lot. She used to weigh 150, she's now topped 220 and has been battling depression for more than 10 years. We used to do things together, but now her life is largely online. She has diabetes and all sorts of other maladies. Sex is nonexistent. She has little self-esteem, although she is a wonderful writer. I love her very much and want to stay with her and keep our family together. But all the stress is starting to weird me out. Recently I've had to pop the antidepressants too, the first time ever. I long for just a year without all this medical madness and personality problems. It doesn't look like it's ever going to happen. Is there a happy ending to this mess or should I accept my fate?
No Way Out
Dear No Way,
A happy ending is a relative thing. Somewhere there is a man your age who has everything he thought he wanted, including buckets of money and a slender and passionate wife, and he is looking for a gun so he can kill himself, and here you are, beset with problems he never dreamed of, and you feel love and loyalty and despite the dark tone there is some sense of hope. Of course there is. But one dare not pin one's hopes on a transforming miracle; one looks for small incremental improvements. First, I trust that your wife is receiving good medical care: That's crucial, of course. And the care should extend to her whole family situation. Second, I recommend that you focus on making a few small changes: e.g., instituting a daily walk, the two of you together. Depressed people easily get stuck in sedentary routines that are only bad news and they need to be pried loose. The daily walk is an occasion for conversation and could lead to moviegoing or theater or concerts, some outside stimulation to balance the lure of the computer screen. Sex may not be possible in the near term, and for that, you might consider the simple expedient of erotic videos. You don't mention the daughter's situation, but the two of you surely have the power to keep up a certain tone in the home, some humor and light and music and affection. The little things that, in the end, are what make us happy.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I'm an artist, educated, fairly articulate, somewhat attractive (so I've been told) and have met a younger man (34) who is wonderful. He's a very cultured, intelligent, wealthy trust-fund child. Unfortunately quite conceited. I am falling in love with him. I doubt that the feeling is mutual. I'm trying to be cool about it. I don't call him, I don't tell him how I feel. I'm just so bloody tired of all the useless, abusive stupid men I have known in the past. I dread another failed relationship. I mean, I know that I'm worthwhile and talented and so on, but how does one convey such things without sounding like a pompous ass? How do I show him that I'm good enough for him? I think we would be great together in the long run, but I just don't know how to win his heart. Do you follow me?
Clueless
Dear Clueless,
An artist is worth two trust-fund babies any day of the week, and a really good artist is worth eight or 10. If he's intelligent, he knows it, too. Arrogance is a difficult trait to deal with, though many women have managed to simply by tuning it out, like you'd filter out radio interference. His sort of arrogance is likely a habit of mind he isn't even aware of, maybe just a set of habitual tics and inflections. His falling in love with you might be a long leap for him. You can encourage it by being wonderful company, funny and alluring and loving, and by keeping your company in short supply, not available anytime he beckons. And don't let your romance interfere with your work. Really. If solitude is the key to your work, take all of it that you need, don't relinquish a minute.
