Site Presented By
Tuesday, Nov 10, 2009
Dear Mr. Blue,
For 10 years my sister has been married to a very warm and fun-loving man. Unfortunately, I have noticed increased alcohol abuse by him. He has been visibly drunk at family gatherings for the last two years. When I spoke to my sister about it, she didn't believe it was a problem because he still manages to show up for work on time and he doesn't hit the kids.
I don't know what to do. The rest of the family is concerned, but won't say anything. This drives me nuts, because we were not taught to ignore such destructive behavior. Any suggestions for a new approach with my sister? I could use anything.
Keeping Quiet, but Not Happy About It
Dear Keeping,
My strong inclination is to keep the peace and I'm pretty certain that I'm wrong and that the better route is to speak to the brother-in-law when you find him drunk and are troubled by it. You put your arm around him and ask for a private moment and then you tell him that you like him a lot and that you're worried about how much he's drinking these days. It's obvious to everyone and you don't want people to lose respect for him. And then you let him say his piece. And then you tell him that you'd like to talk to him at greater length sometime when he's sober. And call him up a few days later and resume the conversation. And meanwhile you might offer your sister some literature on the subject from an organization like Al-Anon.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I am an electrical engineer, a working mother, married to an attorney. We have three small children (a kindergartner and twin 3-year-olds). I enjoy my hectic job, my husband is a saint and I love my kids. My problem is that when he wants to work a Sunday afternoon, I get a sinking feeling. Dealing with all three kids for several hours really stresses me out. They seem to fight more with just me there, no one naps and I end the day really cranky and taking it out on my husband.
I'm feeling inadequate and guilty about this. Why shouldn't I be able to deal with three kids at once? Why can't I learn to enjoy this? All these women quit their jobs to have more time with their kids and I can't even take them alone for a day. What do they know that I don't?
Stressed
Dear Stressed,
Nobody should beat up on herself for failing to be Julie Andrews and not flying around at the end of an umbrella. Kids can be trying, and all the more so for a woman with a hectic day job. But you can deal with these kids. You can learn how to spend time pleasantly with them. One key to childcare is knowing to take the initiative and to lead your children and not react to them. It's exhausting to sit and yell at kids to behave themselves, it's exhilarating to bundle them up and get them outdoors and lead them on a hike. Your job likely keeps you indoors, so getting outdoors is good for you too. You get three kids outside with a soccer ball, a Frisbee and a small picnic basket with snacks and juice, and suddenly stress dissipates. And you should be telling the kindergartner how much you depend on him/her to help you with the younger ones. Praise them frequently for how mature and sweet they are and tell them how much you love them, and this will head off some of the misbehavior. You're not inadequate whatsoever. Go enjoy your kids. These years will pass so quickly.
Dear Mr. Blue,
At what point is it OK to get out of a marriage? I have been married to my husband for 10 years, and we have a beautiful 3-year-old daughter who we both adore. However, he is such a slob, so lazy and careless. I know that he is depressed over the death of his mother recently and his hatred of his job especially -- but he won't seek treatment. He expects things to just fall into his lap, and when they don't, he becomes angry, bitter and cynical.
I work full-time during the day and am a part-time graduate student. He works five nights a week in order to take care of our child while I work. I do all the housework, most of the laundry, make all necessary appointments, take care of all finances. We tried couples counseling but it turned into sessions all about him. I am tired of being with this man and feel little for him sexually (he has put on quite a bit of weight). I cling to the hope that we can be happy like we once were, but I feel that, at 34, I deserve some happiness. I do love him, but I feel maybe I am not the right person for him, nor he for me. His misery brings me down too; I look at other families who do things together with longing. I loathe him. What to do?
Miserable
Dear Miserable,
This is definitely a valley and a valley isn't a theoretical thing. When one vows to be faithful in sickness and in health, usually one is young and hasn't a clear idea of just how dark and sorrowful sickness can be. It can be awful. I speak as one who has been unfaithful and who has had plenty of time to think about it. You are the strong one in this partnership and so you have a keen sense of the injustice of it all, as we stronger ones have always had. But you should consider, for one moment, that what happened to your husband could have happened to you. What happened to my first wife could have happened to me: I could've fallen into depression and illness and she could have launched a career in writing fiction. This is what I sit and contemplate in my guilty moments. I think that the golden rule is your best and simplest guide here. Were you the angry and careless and depressed and overweight one, what would you want him to do for you?
