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Wednesday, Nov 25, 2009
Dear Mr. Blue,
I have been dating a woman for two years who is wonderful in many ways, intelligent and generous. We are both in our early 30s and occasionally discuss marriage. But I am troubled by her ultrasensitivity to everyday problems. I sometimes feel like I'm dealing with a 17-year-old. Everything that goes wrong -- an encounter with an uncommunicative boss, the dishwasher breaking, a broken appointment -- elicits a "why me" response. I dread calling her sometimes because the first 15 minutes of conversation are consumed by her list of grievances and crimes against her humanity. It sounds to me a lot like whining and I've begun to tune out. I've grown to resent it, and I find that I'm losing respect for her. The prospect of dealing with this for the rest of my life is overwhelming. I'm growing increasingly frustrated and it's really begun to show. I'm not as affectionate or attentive as usual. Can I break her of this self-pitying habit or should I consider this one of those fundamental differences that cannot be changed?
Exasperated
Dear Exasperated,
Infantile narcissism is a difficult spell to break and you shouldn't assume it possible and why should you even try? It's the narcissist's responsibility to at least be charming about her obsessions and not exhaust people's patience. Don't let the subject of marriage to this person be discussed again in your presence: If the subject comes up, dismiss it immediately. And if she asks why, tell her in straight flat terms: "Because you're a whiner and you make no distinction between small stuff and big stuff and it wears me out to listen to it." And then let her deal with it however she is able. Maybe it only triggers more grieving. Or maybe it's the bucket of cold water that brings her to her senses.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I am in my mid-30s and have been with my partner for 10 years. I have been struggling to go to school and complete my degree for years, while he has been doing nothing to advance himself at work or intellectually. Ten years ago I think we were intellectual equals and we loved to drink beer and have great sex and pass out in front of the fireplace. But during these 10 years, I've grown up. I want a secure retirement. I want a family. I want a grown-up man beside me.
My partner and I have nothing to talk about anymore. I don't party and drink the way I did when I was in my early 20s, and he has no passion for literature, politics, history, religion or even debating social issues. I feel so guilty for wanting to end our relationship because he always brings up how much he loves me. I can't understand why he loves me so; we don't talk about anything meaningful, we don't do anything together and I think he is only longing for those good old days.
How to get rid of this guy?
At the Crossroads
Dear Crossroads,
It's hard to break up with somebody after 10 years. Oh, is it hard. You wish the other person would do the hard work -- go have a fling with someone, be disgusting in public, disgrace himself -- so that you could pull the lever and dump him and that'd be that. But it's terribly hard when the motive is subtle, when you simply have come to the end of things and you stand around in the weeds and wait for one of you to speak the unmentionable. You've said clearly that you're done with this partner and you're ready for something else. When you're ready to break up, you do it suddenly, without discussion, by throwing your essential possessions into boxes and hauling them out and moving someplace else. There's no good way. You just have to do it.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I'm 20, studying English lit at a McCollege State University-type place and I can't get excited about it. I get poor grades and I don't go to class. When I try even in the slightest I do well, my teachers like me and tell me I'm brilliant and such and such, but I long to leave it all behind and escape to someplace bigger and find passion, determination, diligence and self-worth. My dream, like everyone else's, is to write fiction, but I have no motivation for that either. I feel like I'm wasting time floundering in a system that I don't work well in. I've considered applying to some smaller private schools, but I am afraid that I will languish there, not keep up with my work and I'll be back in the same place again, wondering, wistful, lost and loathing. Please advise.
Uneven and Tired
Dear Uneven,
Please don't be loathing or languishing. Someone who is 20 can be wistful or lost or floundering, but it breaks my heart to think of you loathing yourself and being depressed and feeling like a failure. Twenty is a fabulous age. Don't let yourself feel defeated. A 20-year-old is a knight on horseback, a magician, a poet, a hero. The world has been saved by 20-year-olds more than once. I think of D-day, and Gettysburg, but also of the general vitality and humor of the world and of the 20-year-olds milling around in Piccadilly or the Campo Fiori or Times Square or Sunset Boulevard or Unter den Linden who give big cities their life and fervor. Don't waste time in languishing -- if you're going to make mistakes, make active mistakes, not the small soggy ones. Don't worry about not being motivated to write fiction. Don't go to a school that doesn't inspire you to go to class. Go find passion and diligence out in the great wide world. Join the Navy. Or the circus. Or find a dragon to slay. Or make your odyssey. In 10 years obligations will close in and you'll have furniture and goods and you'll have debts and a career path and large organizations will own a piece of you. You'll never be this free again. So be free.
