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Tuesday, Nov 24, 2009
Dear Mr. Blue,
I am 31 and feel that I create deadlines with my ages. At 20 I should have done something I was nowhere close to doing. At 25, failure was still excusable. At 28, I could still take risks. At 31, I'm doing what I've always told myself I would do and I'm happy. I want to know what you thought when you were my age. What were you doing and what did you think you'd be doing next? What were you afraid of? What did you hope to achieve? Did you look to anyone for guidance?
Writer Girl
Dear Writer,
When I was 31, I thought I had a lot of time. I was writing fiction for the New Yorker, a big ambition of mine, and even better was making a living at it. I was looking for something to do next, which turned out to be "A Prairie Home Companion," which I started the next year. I was afraid that my marriage was on the rocks. I hoped to write a novel. I didn't expect guidance from anyone and didn't show my work to anyone. I didn't believe that anyone really makes long-term plans. I believed that life is intuitive and things come up suddenly and you grab them or you avoid them.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I work in the IT industry and have dated my share of IT geeks. My problem is that the guys never call me to ask me out -- they just e-mail me from work. I've just started dating a nice young man who does this, and I'm bummed because I long to hear his voice. How can I get him to call me without becoming one of those women who's trying to change her man? I like him fine, but I thrive on conversation, and enjoy talking with him.
Extrovert
Dear Extrovert,
If you want him to call, don't answer his e-mail. If he doesn't get an answer and he still won't pick up a phone, then maybe you're not important enough to him. It's good to put a man to a simple little test early on. No sense wasting time with one who's all gas and no flame.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I have a good friend who I've known since we were 13 years old. We're now 48. I appreciate her and love her and she holds a place in my heart that belongs to no one else. However, we are really different. She's married, a mom and a housewife. I'm single, have a career and am more independent. At times I feel my friend is still in the high school mode. Almost every time I go to visit her and her family, she finds some reason to pull out our high school yearbook. I find this rather curious but I usually go along with it. I do love and appreciate her, but I'm not fully me when I'm with her. Lately she complains that I'm distant, a complaint that seems odd to me, almost like that of a lover, not a friend. I feel she is probably bored with her life and needs a scapegoat. I think she has not treated herself well enough, not that I have not treated her well enough. But I don't know how to respond to her complaints in a loving way without hurting her feelings? Any thoughts?
Old Friend Who Has Moved On
Dear Old Friend,
Indulge your friend in her nostalgia, even if you don't share it, and don't respond to her complaints, except to tell her that she holds a place in your heart that belongs to no one else. That's all that needs to be said. It's an old precious friendship and don't subject it to psycho-pop analysis. And what's this nonsense about not being fully yourself when you're with her? Don't high-hat your old friends, just because you're living a snazzier life and have nicer shoes and read hipper magazines. I find the phrase "Moved On" rather snooty in this context. It sounds as if you have indeed become distant, and you need to rethink the value of old friendships. This woman knew you before you started reinventing yourself; keep her for reference, against the day you want to go back to being who you are.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I was a dope-smoking moron in high school who dropped out to have my daughter and marry her good-for-nothing father. By age 19 I had realized that all that stuff that had whizzed through my ears that my parents had said about the value of education was true and that if I was going to have any kind of decent life I needed an education. And I experienced some sort of awakening of intellectual curiosity about the world. So I got a GED, went back to school, fell in love with it and got my degree in English two years ago. Ever since, I have longed to go to graduate school but my family needed income. So I found a secretarial job. My husband was happy that we could get a new car and the latest video games, but I do not feel that this life is right for me. I just want to go back to school and be a happy student again. I am 28 and feel my young adulthood slipping fast. Is it worth it to go back to school, if it means going into debt? Am I just lapsing into a selfish mode of existence again?
Struggling With a Decision
Dear Struggling,
Don't settle for work that is less than what you can do. You pulled yourself up out of the swamp once, and you can do it again. You know what it takes. It isn't selfish to want to find your life's work. Figure out the finances, do what you need to do to make ends meet, sell the car and go back to school.
