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Monday, Nov 23, 2009
I'm 29 and have been with my husband for almost eight years and married to him for almost five of them. I met him when I was 21, a shy, insecure young woman from an unstable background. There were never any sparks for me. No heart-pounding anticipation of his phone calls or head-in-the clouds daydreaming about making love to him. He was a nice guy who seemed so stable and rational and he was in love with me. The thing is, I never "fell in love" with him. Well, here we are now, with a house and a gorgeous son we're crazy about and a couple of cats. We've had our ups and downs and we've gone to counseling to work on communication, etc. I've gone to therapy to heal the pain of my past. I've grown up from that shy, insecure young woman, yet none of this has given me the hots for him. I care for him like a brother, but I don't have those feelings of attraction to him and never have. I want to feel passion for my partner for life, Mr. Blue. Lately I've been considering my alternatives. An affair? Life on my own? Divorce? Help!
Dragging
Dear Dragging,
This is a chill note, to describe your partner of eight years in terms of social convenience; I hope you are exaggerating. Perhaps you are punishing him for having rescued you, perhaps you have him handcuffed to that insecure young woman you used to be and you want to get rid of both of them. But if you want to get out of this marriage, you can, and if you describe it in flat and emotionless terms, then who could disagree with you? Have the divorce first, then the affair, then life on your own.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I am married to the man I should be married to. I love him very much, and he loves me. We are both successful in our careers and mutually supportive of one another. We have been building a good life for ourselves and our three children.
But my husband has a temper that has been getting worse. When we were dating, he never showed the full capacity of his temper to me. But starting around our second anniversary, there have been many outbursts. He screams and yells. Things are thrown, including a glass dish right near my head. Walls are punched, leaving holes that need patching. Many things are intentionally broken.
As well, there have been several incidents of extreme road rage that have put me and my children in bad situations.
This is frightening for both me and my children, who are still very young. My husband acknowledged once that he has a problem with anger. We need to address this issue, and I believe that only professional counseling will help. I do not know how I can phrase my comments so that no blame or anger toward him is expressed, as the last thing I would want to do is cause him to become more angry and belligerent. I perceive the issue as one within the family, not just his problem. How can I address the problem without damaging his feelings or our relationship?
Distressed
Dear Distressed,
You are not responsible for his angry outbursts. It's a scary situation, but if you dare not talk to him about this and insist that he see a counselor, then you must leave him (at least temporarily) for the safety of you and your children. The behavior is unacceptable. Whether he is alcoholic or depressed or misused at work, he needs to see a therapist with experience in anger counseling. What he is doing is damaging to your family, and to your relationship. An incident of "road rage" can bring a felony conviction that will put sharp brakes on his career. It's painful and humiliating for him to admit to this problem, but your good life is starting to crash down. Tell him to be a man and own up to it, or pack up yourself and the kids, and walk away until he gets control of himself.
Dear Mr. Blue,
My job is the envy of my friends. I make a bucket of money and as for advancement, the sky is the limit of my advancement. Most people struggle all their lives to get the opportunities I have fallen into at the tender age of 25. But I hate it. I hate the grayness of cubicle land. I hate programming. I hate working 60 to 80 hours per week. And I hate hating this place. Life should be about joy and exploring the facets of oneself while learning to love others, yes? Swallowing my pride everyday, denying myself freedom of expression, harboring resentment toward everything here is taking a terrible burden on my soul. In many ways I despise who I've become since I started working for this company. I've got one year left on my contract. I have no wife, no kids, no house, no dog. I want to run away screaming, but have no idea where to head. My mind changes daily about what I want to do (academia, art, social activism, suck it up and make money). Where, oh where, do I find the inspiration for a life I'll enjoy and how do I get the confidence to make this a reality? I have little faith in God, country and apple pie. Sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll have left me bored. What else is there?
Floundering
Dear Floundering,
There is Montana. There is Wyoming. Fabulous places. There is the Democratic Party, but I suppose that demands faith in country. There is a school somewhere, in which wonderful kids languish for want of people to care about teaching them. But I don't mean to preach. Corporate life can be stultifying. Overwork is deadening to the spirit. Cubicles are gray. Programming is not (so far as I've heard) a joyful business. But if you don't have the inspiration to do something else and can't figure out what is worthwhile, then stay in your cubicle and make money and salt it away and stifle yourself until your anger starts to stimulate the brain.
